


Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody: The Battle of Hogwarts

by yoneld



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Imitation of iheartmwpp's Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody Series, Warning: Umbridge, many references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-06
Updated: 2014-05-08
Packaged: 2018-01-07 17:58:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 29,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1122719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoneld/pseuds/yoneld
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because all the cool kids are doing it. Includes lots of Umbridge impersonations, people talking fancy all the friggin' time, and me trying to be as good at iheartmwpp at this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Teh VOICEDEMORT

A/N: So FFnet cracked down on iheartmwpp's parodies, so I want to have as many backups as I can. I'm just reposting every major thing I've done so that you can reread them. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film/book/game in the series, Artemis Fowl, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Percy Jackson & The Olympians, Phineas and Ferb, or iheartmwpp.

~And they all go marching in. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM~

Snape: You’re probably wondering why I summoned you here tonight, I say in a manner that reminds yoneld a lot of Artemis Fowl.

Movie watchers: Why ARE they there and what’s Harry got to do with it?

Book readers: Screw them, why are WE here?

yoneld: Because you’re either obsessed with this franchise and can’t stop yourself from going anywhere you see the word “Harry”, “Potter”, “Wizard”, or “Wand” even if it’s got nothing to do with it, or you hate these movies and want to see just how bad they get, like Greg and his father do with Li’l Cutie.

Snape: I never said you could ask questions.

Harry: Having flashbacks to my Dursley days… oh wait, that wasn’t in the movies. Carry on, Headmaster. *nods head in mock-respect*

yoneld: You only say the Headmaster part in the game.

Harry: That’s absurd!

yoneld: You’re absurd!

Harry: What – Say that again. To my face.

yoneld: *walks up real close to Harry’s face* You’re absurd!

Harry: That’s absurd!

Snape: Potter, yoneld, those lines are specifically written for Lupin and me!

Alan Rickman and David Thewlis: And we don’t even get to say those lines.

Joe Moses and Brian Holden: Ha! Take that, movie actors!

Snape: That’s not your cue anyways, Potter, what are you doing? Get back in the crowd.

Harry: M’kay. *gets back in the crowd*

Camera: I’m bored with this Fowl-talk. Imma look at someone cooler now.

Hufflepuffs: Apparently we FIND Snape highly interesting, unlike the camera.

Snape: …that you feel confident enough to NOT PAY ATTENTION!

Camera: Sorry, what did you say?

Snape: Mr. Potter. Our new… celebrity. Or Undesirable Number One, should I say?

Harry: I’m not in this scene yet, that’s what you told me.

Snape: If anyone’s seen Harry Potter, turn him in. Also, if anyone knows anything about Potter’s whereabouts -

Everyone in the audience: *is currently acting like Hermione in any given class* OOH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY PICK ME!

Snape: Really? Where is he?

Movie watchers: We’re not telling you!

Book readers: Lose those Death Eaters and we’ll tell you.

Snape: You suck. So yeah, that would really suck if you didn’t turn him in because you will be severely punished. Also, if you don’t turn in information about him, that would also really suck because you will be treated as *pauses to breathe* ee-qually guilty.

yoneld’s friendly-friend: OH GOD WHY.

Movie watchers: I know, right? This is torture!

yoneld’s friendly-friend: … You just do not comprehend the awesomeness that is Severus Snape.

yoneld: And Alan Rickman’s acting is totally awesome. He’s the perfect Snape.

yoneld’s friendly-friend: Dude, Snape is always perfect.

Snape: So yeah, if anyone has information, I invite them to step. Forward. Now.

Camera: Imma zoom in on the Gryffindors. Siriusly, how did I not see Harry?

Harry: Is that my cue, Headmaster? *nods head in mock-respect*

yoneld: You only say the Headmaster part in the game.

Harry: That’s absurd!

yoneld: You’re absurd!

Harry: What – Say that again. To my face.

yoneld: *walks up real close to Harry’s face* You’re absurd!

Harry: That’s absurd!

Snape: Potter, yoneld, those lines are specifically written for Lupin and me!

Alan Rickman and David Thewlis: And we don’t even get to say those lines.

Joe Moses and Brian Holden: Ha! Take that, movie actors!

Snape: That’s not your cue anyways, Potter, what are you doing? Get back in the crowd.

Harry: Actually, I believe this time it is my cue. Stop repeating lines from earlier. ANYWAYS! It appears that, despite your exhaustive security measures, you have a bit of a problem.

yoneld: What? I’m not parodying this line, it’s one of my favorite lines of the movie!

Doors: WE ARE OPENING.

Ron and the Weasleys… interesting band name, Hermione, and the Order: Yay dramatic entrances!

Percy: Looks like I already saw sense!

Ron and the Weasleys… interesting band name: Duh, he said Weasleys! If you didn’t he would have said “Ron and the Weasleys (minus Percy)” and that would not be an interesting band name.

Harry: Hem, hem.

yoneld: Dude, you’re not Umbridge. You’re Harry.

Harry: You’re right, I do need to shave -

yoneld: That’s your name, dummy!

Harry: ANYWAYS! I’m afraid it’s quite extensive.

yoneld: THIS IS THE MOVIE NOT THE GAME DON’T SAY HEADMASTER!

Harry: Tell them how it happened that night.

Snape: Well, Quirrell was going towards the trapdoor and I had to stop him…

Harry: The other one.

Snape: Dude, Lupin left his map there, it’s obvious! Oh wait, that wasn’t in the movie.

Harry: NO NOT THAT ONE! THE OTHER ONE.

Snape: I was trying to warn Black not to come…

Harry: Getting closer…

Snape: DO NOT MENTION THAT NIGHT! I DO NOT WANT TO GO INTO IT AS IT REVEALED MY TRUE LOYALTIES!

Harry: Finally! Anyways, tell them how you looked him in the eye, the man who trusted you, and killed him.

Snape: I didn’t kill the Dark Lord. And nobody is foolish enough to look him in the eye.

Gregorovitch: Funny story about that…

Snape: Dude. You’re dead.

Harry: AHA! A confession!

Snape: That was the Dark Lord who killed him.

Harry: Tell them.

Snape: Now I’m MAD! I’m strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I’m going to head-butt you so hard —

McGonagall: BOOM!

Snape: Crap, I’m in trouble. Meh, who cares. DIE!

McGonagall: BOOM! *does this weird fire thingy on Snape*

yoneld’s friendly-friend: You dare try to kill him?

Weird fire thingy: I’m weird and fiery. And a thingy.

Snape: Imma split the weird fire thingy in half.

Double weird fire thingies: WE’RE COMING TO GET YOU, LAME DEATH EATERS!

Death Eaters: WE NEVER SAW NAMIBIA!

Movie watchers: Wait… was Dumbledore right about him? Is he really good.

yoneld’s friendly-friend and book readers: OH GOD WHY. Snape is supposed to be this mysterious character who nobody knows what his true colors are until his whole backstory is revealed at the end!

yoneld: Well, that would mean that the films would actually feature some backstory. We can’t have that, now, can we?

Snape: Hem, hem.

yoneld: WHY DON’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE TOAD.

Snape: Yeah… Imma run for my life now before she realizes we’re on the same side. *runs for his life now before she realizes they’re on the same side*

McGonagall: Coward! COWARD!

yoneld: *sketches exterior shot of the Great Hall for his SketchUp model of Hogwarts*

McGonagall: Hem, hem.

yoneld: *is too busy sketching the exterior shot of the Great Hall noticing the Toad impersonation*

Camera: What is this, Film Five? OH GOD I AM NOT DOING THE TOAD’S SPEECH AGAIN!

McGonagall: No, it’s me. Please focus back on me? *lights braziers to get camera’s attention*

Students: Yayz!

Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Braziers: WE NEVER SAW INDONESIA!

Camera: Back to Film Four now, are we? Oh wait – screaming girl! Yayz we’re still in Film Eight!

McGonagall: *is looking up… OMINOUSLY!*

Harry: Wait! I’m the main character, remember? Focus on me!

Camera: Fine! *focuses on Harry*

Harry: Imma walk over to this girl. *walks over to this girl*

Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Voicedemort: I am mesmerizing all of you. All of you.

yoneld: The mesmer needs eye contact. Unless Opal found you a way to mesmerize without eye contact? Because I don’t feel very mesmerized.

yoneld’s sister: Who said that?

yoneld: You’re currently in Book Four?

yoneld’s sister: Yes.

yoneld: You’ll know when you get to Book Seven.

Voicedemort: Hem, hem. Hem, hem.

yoneld: No more Umbridge impersonations.

Voicedemort: I know that you are preparing to fight. To fight. Some of you may even think that the fight is wise. Wise. But this is folly. Folly. You cannot fight me. Fight me.

Padma: Where’s Parvati, even though yoneld thought I was her when he first watched this movie? Did she die or something? Or did Shefali Chowdhury get arrested for drugs too, like Jamie Waylett, and I was put in to replace her, but that makes no sense -

yoneld: No, you’re right, it makes dollars. Millions of them.

Padma: *ignores yoneld* – since I’m supposed to be in this movie anyways, and they didn’t put anyone in to replace me, what gives?

yoneld: Actually, I think Cho is supposed to replace you.

Cho: Hello? I’m, like right here? Apparently Hogwarts age even though I’m not?

yoneld: Right, sorry. CURSE YOU, FILMMAKERS!

Padma: And this noise is really irritating, can you please stop it? And now for my obligatory line: I should be in Ravenclaw.

yoneld: That explains everything.

Padma: What?

yoneld: Since you’re in Gryffindor in the movies, your only role in the book would have been rendered pointless, because Harry looked at the Ravenclaws to see if there’s anything that could be the Horcrux. So you’re just replacing Parvati.

Padma: Then which Ravenclaw is replacing me?

yoneld: … Iunno. Cho? She’s only supposed to be in the Room of Requirement but that’s the only time she’s in the book, same as you, really.

Lavender: Heck if I know. And I know, right?

Voicedemort: Hem, hem. Hem, hem.

yoneld: You know, Voicedemort, you make it sound much worse.

Voicedemort: Give me Harry Potter. Potter. Do this, and I shall leave Hogwarts untouched. Untouched. Give me Harry Potter, Potter, and you shall be rewarded. Warded. You have until midnight. Midnight.

Pansy: Well? What are you waiting for? He’s right there! Someone grab him!

Ginny: M’kay. *goes to kiss Harry*

Harry: Not the time, Ginny.

Ginny: Oh right.

Pansy: Curses, foiled again.

Ginny: Get over yourself, you Pansy.

Pansy: I hate it when people use my name like that.

Draco: B-b-b-b-but, b-b-b-b-but, b-b-b-b-but, b-b-b-b-but -

Baljeet: There is no candy in me/There is no candy in me/I am just a little boy!

PLATYPUS! (What the heck is a platypus?): Grr.

Baljeet:There is no candy in me/Your mother is blindfolded/So she cannot see/She attacked me with a bat/There is no candy in me!

Buford: Nerd ain’t no piñata!

Pansy: Hem, hem.

yoneld: I am Siriusly considering making Umbridge my #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil.

Everyone ever: What, isn’t she your #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil yet?

yoneld: No, chairs are. But Umbridge is #2.

Everyone ever except the vague possibility of other sane people at yoneld’s school: Chairs? Siriusly? That’s your idea of an evil thing of evil?

yoneld and the vague possibility of other sane people at his former school: Yes! CHAIRS ARE EVIL! At least the flying variety is.

Pansy: Yeah, nobody cares. Draco, you were saying?

Draco: Have you forgotten the Yule Ball already?

Pansy: Oh right… didn’t Goyle say that dancing is for pansies, and then you invited me?

Ginny: Hem, hem.

Flying chairs: *are no longer yoneld’s #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil*

Umbridge: Now that flying chairs are no longer yoneld’s #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil, guess who gets to be yoneld’s new #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil?

Snape: *excitedly* Me?

Ron: *excitedly* Snape?

Umbridge: No! Me! Your mama! UMBRIDGE! Eh heh heh heh heh. Heh heh heh. Der der der der.

yoneld: Snape is nowhere near my Top 100 Most Evil Things of Evil list!

yoneld’s friendly-friend: I should hope so!

yoneld: Dude. My parody readers are trying to get some stuff of iheartmwpp’s caliber. Nobody needs to hear you fanboy over Snape. Why don’t you watch AVPM or AVPS? It almost turned me into a fanboy.

yoneld’s friendly-friend: M’kay. *watches AVPS and fanboys over Snape* Wait… he’s completely OOC! Ah well, who cares, still awesome.

yoneld: Sure glad that’s over!

Ginny: Anyways, so yeah. I get to kiss him later and we get married after this crap is over. And NOBODY MESSES WITH THE BOY WHO LIVED! HE KILLED THE DARK LORD WHEN HE WAS A BABY!

Ron: You too, sis?

Hermione: STEALING RON’S LINES IS MY ROLE!

Weasleys: NOT OUR SURROGATE BABY BROTHER!

Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?

McGonagall: BOOM!

Snape: Crap. *runs for his life*

Filch: Students out of bed! Even though I probably know that Snape called that assembly!

McGonagall: Exactly, you blithering idiot!

yoneld: OH GOD WHY – oh wait, she doesn’t die. A lot of characters have their “awesome” moments just before they die, especially in this film.

Filch: Hem, hem.

yoneld: OH GOD WHY.

Filch: Oh. Sorry madam.

McGonagall: As it happens, you’ve arrival is most apartments – oh wait, that’s not it. Opportunity – nope. Siriusly, what the heck is that word? yoneld had to use the subtitles to know how it’s spelled and still has trouble with it! Is that word even in the dictionary?

yoneld: No I don’t. Opportune. But I did have to use the subtitles at first. And let me check the dictionary. *gets dictionary* O, O’, o, o’, o-, -o, -o-, o/a, oaf…

Parody readers: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

yoneld: Oporto, opossum, opossum shrimp, opp., Oppenheimer, opponens, opponent, opponent muscle, OPPORTUNE!

Parody readers: *abruptly wake up and clap hands*

McGonagall: Hem, hem.

yoneld: I said, no. More. Umbridge. *voice switches to a very high-pitched girly voice* Impersonations!

Game Five players: Hypocrite.

yoneld: *voice goes back to normal* What?

Game Five players: That sounded exactly like the way Umbridge said “examinations” in the class cutscene thingy.

yoneld: I’m a teenage guy, my voice is in the process of changing. Comes and goes.

Males whose voices have already changed: I know, right? *wince in sympathy*

Boys whose voices are in the process of changing: Totally. *also wince in sympathy*

Boys whose voices have not yet changed and females: Right, not buying it.

McGonagall: ANYWAYS! And now to smash my reputation of not favoring anyone: Take the Slytherins outta here.

Filch: Where is it I’ll be taking them to, Mommy? And Siriusly, what’s with all the fancy talking and my accent?

McGonagall: The dungeons will do. And don’t call me Mommy.

Students: Yay-face! Also, I never knew Filch was McGonagall’s son!

yoneld: That’s because he’s not. McGonagall doesn’t have any kids. He just pronounced “ma’am” wrong.

McGonagall: I’m presuming -

yoneld: THAT’S SO NOT WHAT SHE SAID! All puns intended.

Harry: NO I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

McGonagall: Let me finish, dummy. I’m assuming you have a reason for returning, Potter, what is it?

Harry: Oh, that. I’m the freaking main character, for the love of Merlin’s dirtiest socks! The reason is to further the plot! And I need time for that, as much as you can get me.

McGonagall: Okay.

Harry: Cool, thanks. *turns to leave*

McGonagall: Oh, and Potter?

Harry: Yes?

McGonagall: *nods head awkwardly* It’s good to see you.

Harry: Siriusly? You can fight Snape but you find talking to me awkward?

McGonagall: Uh…

Harry: Well, yoneld was wondering what took me so long to respond so I was probably thinking this. Anyway, it’s good to see you too, Professor. This is your moment, Neville!

Neville: These guys are going down. *gives Harry the thumbs-down* Down, down, down. D-O-W-N, down!

Review or Voicedemort will mesmerize all of you.


	2. Teh WHAT IS THIS MAGIC

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Two/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Phineas and Ferb, Artemis Fowl, or iheartmwpp.

~Yay, the moving staircases are back! Oh wait, that staircase is just in the middle~

Random student #87: Come on, let’s get outta here!

Random student #99: Did the Grand Staircase just spontaneously change or something? yoneld was wondering what part of the castle was this.

Random student #94: The Death Eaters must have made it like this so it would be easier to monitor the students – if the staircase isn’t always moving, it’s much easier to monitor them.

yoneld: RELEVANT QUESTION! Does the Marauders’ Map keep track of changes made to the castle, or does it need redrawing?

Random student #45: Why don’t you check Pottermore?

yoneld: Pottermore isn’t telling me anything about that – just stuff about how skillful the Marauders were and how Filch got the map.

Cramped Trio of Let Us Breathe, People: *are going up-, rather than downstairs*

Ron: Harry! Wait up!

Harry: *turns around*

Ron: Hermione and I were thinking…

yoneld’s sister: Wait… are you actually allowed to do that? Isn’t Hermione the smart one? Oh wait, she probably did all the thinking…

yoneld: Didn’t the books prove that Ron can think?

yoneld’s sister: I’m only at Book Four.

Ron: Hem, hem.

yoneld: AAAAAAAAAARGH!

Ron: It doesn’t matter if we find another Horcrux. I don’t even know if we can FIND it, since we’re not Hufflepuffs. I need a Hufflepuff! NOW!

yoneld: Did somebody say yoneld?

yoneld’s father: Yes, I did. Your meal is here.

yoneld: YAY FOOD. *devours meal*

Harry: Hem, hem.

yoneld: Why are you imitating the very person who made your hand bleed?

Harry: Because shut up. Anyways, whatever do you mean? Again with the fancy talking.

Hermione’s eyebrows: Unless we can DESTROY it! I don’t know if Gryffindors are good DESTROYers, though… *open one of the many books they brought but are only mentioned offhand in Film Seven* Yes. Yes, we are.

Harry: Just your eyebrows, or all of us Gryffindors?

Hermione: Gryffindors. But especially my eyebrows.

Ron: So we were thinking…

Hermione’s eyebrows: Well, Ron was thinking. In this film, he’s allowed to do that. It was his idea, it’s completely brilliant. Kind of like what he thought the Ministry did in Book Five, except HE WAS WRONG!

Ron: Apparently I can’t take a compliment. You destroyed Tom Riddle’s diary with Sheldon’s fang, didn’t you?

Harry: How you know the name of that particular basilisk is beyond me.

Ron: Dude, there’s no fourth wall. We know everything that happens ever. Anyways, I think we know where we can FIND one, even though we’re not Hufflepuffs.

Harry: Okay. Okay, but take this. *hands him a sandwich*

Ron: Okay. What is it?

Harry: It’s a sandwich.

Ron: OM NOM NOM.

Harry: Take this, too. *hands him Marauder’s Map* That way you can FIND me when you get back.

yoneld: Switching house roles now, are we? Fine! See if I care! I will DESTROY this scene!

Hermione: Where are you going? And for the first time in this scene, my eyebrows aren’t speaking!

Harry: Ravenclaw Tower. Gotta start somewhere! *runs off* And no making out!

Ron: Sure, sure. *leaves*

Luna: Harry! Wait!

~They’re back to not just cutting from one scene to another but actually using some kind of transitions? OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS ENDING WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE I WANT A SANDWICH~

Parody readers: You just had dinner.

yoneld: Whatever do you mean by this?

Parody readers: HELP! OUR SUBSTITUTE PARODY WRITER HAS WATCHED THIS MOVIE TOO MANY TIMES! AND IT’S ONLY BEEN AROUND FOR -

yoneld: Two years. In hours, that’s 17,544, which means I could’ve watched this movie 8,772 times.

Parody readers: YOU WATCHED THE MOVIE 8,772 TIMES? *die*

yoneld: *shoots them with a Neutrino 3000*

Parody readers: OUR POINT STILL STANDS.

yoneld: I haven’t watched the movie 8,772 times.

Parody readers: YOU COULD’VE TOLD US THAT BEFORE WE DIED.

Students: Hem, hem.

yoneld: *dies*

Students: *shoot him with a Neutrino 3000*

yoneld: I HATE YOU UMBRIDGE!

Students: We’re still running outside.

Neville: It’s actually the time for me to be awesome? You’re giving me permission?

McGonagall: That is correct, Longbottom. Siriusly, what is with the fancy talking in this film?

Neville: Blow it up? Boom?

Audience: If they’re blowing things up, shouldn’t Seamus do that?

Seamus: Hello? I’m right here!

McGonagall: Hem, hem.

yoneld: *pulls out earplugs*

McGonagall: BOOM! And for some reason, I’m extremely OOC in this film. Does the Headmaster of Hogwarts always have to be OOC?

yoneld’s friendly-friend: No. Snape wasn’t. Because he’s just awesome like that.

yoneld: Stop fanboying over Snape or get out of my parody! I told you to go watch AVPS!

yoneld’s friendly-friend: Already did.

yoneld: Okay. Watch AVPM!

yoneld’s friendly-friend: M’kay. *watches AVPM*

Neville: Hem, hem.

yoneld: You totally just ruined your awesomeness. Even Umbridge isn’t that bad.

Umbridge: WHO DISRESPECTING UMBRIDGE.

yoneld: Let me finish, toad. If anything, Umbridge helped Neville become awesome.

Neville: How on earth are we going to do that? And what seventeen-year-old talks like that?

McGonagall: Why don’t you consult with Mr. Finnigan. As I recall, he’s got a particular proclivity for pyrotechnics.

Seamus: Nice alliteration.

McGonagall: Aww, shucks. Anyways, again, what’s with the fancy talking?

Seamus: You’re using big words to make your alliteration work. Anyways, I can bring ‘er down.

yoneld: I don’t know about other languages, but in Hebrew, bridge (gesher) is masculine, and English doesn’t have any genders, what gives?

iheartmwpp: We got this weird thing with calling inanimate objects female. Ships, cars, caught myself calling my PS3 that the other day, my guitar is apparently female, my friend’s laptop is the only thing I’ve seen that’s male. Maybe the father person’s car, the mother person’s is gender-neutral. So I guess a bridge can be female. SHRUG WE ARE WEIRD.

yoneld: Well, since English is a Germanic language, which means it should be close to languages such as German, Dutch, and Yiddish, I should probably check those languages. *checks those languages* German Brücke is feminine, Dutch Brug is common-gender, and Yiddish בריק (brik) is feminine, so I guess a bridge is female. *shrugs*

McGonagall: Hem, hem.

yoneld: *high-pitched* I’m ignoring you, McGonagall.

Anyone who’s played Game Five: *has a hearty chuckle*

McGonagall: That’s the spirit.

Flitwick: You do know that nothing we do can keep He-Who-Can-Suddenly-Feel-It-When-His-Horcruxes-Are-Destroyed-In-This-Film-Despite-Not-Being-Able-To-In-Previous-Films-Because-The-Filmmakers-Have-Never-Heard-Of-Continuity out indefinitely, right? And more fancy talking!

Book readers: Well, if one of Harry’s blood relatives on his mother’s side would come and live here, we could keep him out indefinitely – oh wait, the blood protection only applies until he’s seventeen. Never mind.

yoneld: For some reason, that gives me an idea for Harry’s grandparents raising Harry. They could do it at Hogwarts!

McGonagall: Hem, hem.

yoneld: *explodes*

Parody: *comes to a sudden stop as yoneld has exploded*

McGonagall: That doesn’t mean we can’t delay him. Which is what we should’ve done in Book Five – delay the school year so that we wouldn’t get stuck with the toad. And his name is Voldemort, Filius. I’m the Headmistress now, which means I must be as OOC as possible. Anyways, you might as well use his name, Filius. He’s going to try and kill you anyway. Now: Piertotum Locomotor!

“Statues” Track: *is one of the most awesome tracks in the history of Harry Potter, second only to Buckbeak’s Flight and Room of Requirements*

Statues: WE ARE JUMPING DOWN AND SLOWLY RISING. To our titular track. It’s almost as if we know what the soundtrack sounds like.

yoneld: *has recovered from his explosion* Or the soundtrack composer composed the track to your jumping down and slowly rising.

McGonagall: Hogwarts is in danger! Man the boundaries even though yoneld thought I was making some random sounds when he watched the trailers to this film, protect us! Do your duty to our school!

Random Statue #8,438-5: Well, so far our duty was only to host Peeves, but whatever.

Statues: WE ARE MARCHING.

McGonagall: More OOC-ness!

Molly: I seem to be extremely worried. And rightly so. I just hope all of my kids make it through the night.

yoneld: *sniff* If only.

Flitwick: Protego Maxima. Fianto Duri. Repello Inimicum. Noncanonicum Spellio.

yoneld: This was actually what the subtitles said. Except for Noncanonicum Spellio. Listen more closely to what they said, Qsubs team!

Qsubs Team: *very bad Hebrew accent* Wot? Det eez wot we tot dey sed.

yoneld: Qsubs Team are the people that make Hebrew subtitles for online movies. They suck at transliterating spells and names. For these spells – well, they did get the Protego Maxima right, but they thought the second spell was Thianto Dully, the third spell was Repello Muggletum, and the fourth spell wasn’t even transliterated. And none of them were canon.

Slughorn: Hem, hem.

yoneld: This is getting old, maybe we should stop?

Slughorn: Protego Maxima. Fianto Duri. Repello Inimicum. Noncanonicum Spellio.

Molly: Protego Maxima. Fianto Duri. Repello Inimicum. Noncanonicum Spellio.

Non-canon spells: Apparently, when combined, we make numerous force fields which join up. Oh, and there are other people using us.

Force fields: WE ARE NON-CANONICALLY JOINING UP.

Dementors: AAAAAAAAAH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES!

yoneld: *is sketching Hogwarts*

~Meanwhile, in one of the many towers of Hogwarts…~

Luna: Harry! Wait!

Harry: Not now! I’m preoccupied with the fact that even we are talking fancy at the moment!

Luna: Plz? *puppy dog eyes*

Harry: It only works when Ginny does it.

Luna: Harry!

Harry: Laterz!

Luna: I’ve got free RED VINES! Even though yoneld prefers Twizzlers and I know for a fact that the RED VINES from AVPS were actually Twizzlers in a RED VINES pack.

Harry: O RLY?

Luna: YAH RLY.

Harry: GIMME RED VINES.

Luna: *gives him Twizzlers disguised as RED VINES*

Harry: OM NOM – wait a second… these don’t really taste like RED VINES…

Luna: No, they’re the RED VINES you had in AVPS.

Harry: Oh, okay then. OM NOM NOM.

Luna: Anyways, Cho said there’s no one alive who’s seen it.

Harry: But most people have seen RED VINES!

Luna: Not RED VINES, the diadem!

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Luna: I can’t believe it! Are we back to Film Six?

Harry: No, I really don’t know where you’re going with this.

Luna’s eyebrows: Isn’t it obvious?

Harry: … why can your eyebrows suddenly talk? I mean, I know Hermione’s eyebrows talk all the time, but you?

Luna’s eyebrows: We’re not really talking. It’s just that yoneld made us talk because our last line was something Hermione’s eyebrows would usually say.

Harry: Oh, okay then.

Luna: Anyways, we need to talk to someone who’s dead.

Harry: OH GOD I AM NOT TALKING TO THESE INFERI AGAIN.

Luna: Try thinking a bit closer to here.

Harry: I can’t, the shiny distracts me. *walks over to the shiny*

Luna: Shiiiiiiiiiny… *walks over to the shiny* It’s beautiful, isn’t it? *has a dreamy look on her face* The moon.

Harry: Divine.

Luna: I just can’t stop thinking about you, Harry.

Harry: Oh HECK no. I never broke up with Ginny in this version!

Luna: You never officially got together with her in this version.

Harry: *points wand at self* Avada Kedavra. Now, you were saying something?

~And now they’re back to cutting to the next scene. I spoke too soon~

Flitwick: I look smug for some reason. Also, wasn’t I in the courtyard? What am I doing at the end of the bridge?

Random statue #84,327-47: Iunno. I’m just a statue.

Flitwick: And how did I get past the statues?

yoneld: One of the advantages of being small… I remember hiding in very small places back in first grade.

Force field: I AM CLOSING.

~We now return you to… Siriusly? Some random courtyard with ABSOLUTELY NOBODY? WHAT IS THIS MAGIC~

Camera: Hang on, let me focus on the main character. *moves away from Harry*

Harry: Hem, hem.

yoneld: I’m running out of things to say now.

Camera: NOES NOT FILM FIVE AGAIN! Why does that sound like a guy? Is this AVPS or something?

Harry: No! It’s me, the main character! I’m over here!

Camera: Fine! Hang on, it’s gonna take some time, I’m on a snail for some reason.

Luna’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOM!: You can FIND her down here.

yoneld: I’ll FIND her, seeing as I’m a Hufflepuff.

Harry’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOM!: Aren’t you coming?

Snail: We have arrived at wherever the main character is at the moment. We hope you have enjoyed the Snail Express.

Camera: Thanks! *gets off the Snail Express*

Luna: No. She’s very shy. It’s best if you’re alone with her…

Harry: Last time I was alone with a female ghost, she was extremely creeping me out.

Luna: DON’T QUESTION ME.

Harry’s shadow: I AM WALKING.

Harry: Hey, wait up… I can’t let you be creeped out by a creepy ghost of creepiness alone! *goes back inside*

Grey Lady: Wow. I was recast. Shocker.

Weird voices: ¿Estamos siquiera pársel o estamos sólo voces al azar?

Harry: Hey… you look different than six years ago… and apparently snakes have switched to Spanish…

Grey Lady: I am highly offended by what you said. *turns into a Patronus and tries to leave*

Book readers: Since when can ghosts do that?

Movie watchers: IKR.

Harry: I’m sorry, I say while not looking sorry at all. It’s Helena, isn’t it? Don’t ask me how I know this, but you’re Helena Ravenclaw, Rowena’s daughter.

Grey Lady: *turns back into a ghost*

Audience: O-kay…

Grey Lady: Since you called me by my real name, I’m automatically assuming that you know Luna.

Harry: Yes. Yes, I do.

Grey Lady: MORE FANCY TALKING! Also, you seek my mother’s diadem.

Harry: Well, I am a Seeker… and now I am staring blankly again. What is wrong with me? Also, Luna thought you can help me.

Grey Lady: Luna’s cool. She’s one of yoneld’s favorite characters, unlike many others. *coughUmbridgecough* But she was wrong. I cannot help you. Although with me, the fancy talking is okay, as I died, like, early 11th century. *turns into Patronus*

Hedwig’s Theme: *conveniently plays right then*

Grey Lady: *dances through Harry*

Harry: Am I supposed to be warm or cold? I mean, as a Patronus, she should be warm, but as a ghost, she’s cold, so what the heck? Hey, wait up! *goes back into the courtyard*

Grey Lady: *turns back into ghost right in the middle of the courtyard* I seem to be pained.

Harry: I am a Gryffindor.

Grey Lady: So you’re going to DESTROY it?

Harry: Yes.

Leave a comment or the Grey Lady will turn into a Patronus and dance through you to Hedwig’s Theme.


	3. Teh LACK OF CONTINUITY AND CANONICITY

~And now for an entirely pointless addition that I made~

Harry: This is a private conversation. Also, last time I did a scene with a female ghost, it did not go well. *smashes camera and literally kicks it out of Hogwarts*

Camera: I NEVER SAW THE PRIVATE CONVERSATION!

~We apologize for the camera getting smashed by the main character. We are currently fixing it. Meanwhile, let’s freeze the image of Harry staring blankly at the ghost who can suddenly turn into a Patronus and let the music do the transition!~

Camera: Where am I?

20th Century Fox Logo: I AM AS MUCH MORE ANNOYING THAN THE WB LOGO AS EVER!

75 years celebration logo: *turns into a Diary of a Wimpy Kid-style drawing*

Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book One: I AM OPENING.

Weird writing of this isn’t Harry Potter, this should have been written by someone: SEPTEMBER

Rodrick’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOM!: Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, pancake, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Zachary Gordon, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, Greg, -

Greg’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOM!: I can’t hear you, I’m sleeping.

~Oops, wrong movie! Let’s just turn the screen black now. Ah, there we go~

Random helicopter flying above Hogwarts: *drops camera*

Camera: WHEEEEEEEEEEEE! *opens parachute*

Death Eaters: We seem to have gotten rid of the creepy masks.

Bellatrix: I AM TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH THE DARK LORD!

Pius: I appear to have replaced Lucius as the Dark Lord’s right-hand man.

Voldemort: They never learn. Someone yoneld knows is convinced I said that in the exact same tone as Magneto from an X-Men movie. Maybe we share an actor? I don’t know, as yoneld has never seen that particular movie. Such a pity.

Pius: I appear to have joined the Death Eaters out of my own free will, as I am expressing my opinions. An Imperiused person should not do that. But since when have the filmmakers actually stuck to canon? Also, shouldn’t we wait?

Voldemort: *glare of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Creepy, veined shot of the back of Voldemort’s head: *is creepy and veined. And a shot of the back of Voldemort’s head*

Pius: … Mummy…

Voldemort: *creepy smile* DESTROY! Even though I only had one Gryffindor and according to this version, Stupefy, when done by an elf, never means to kill. Only maim or Siriusly injure. He’s still in St. Mungo’s in a vegetative state. We never had any Hufflepuffs to begin with, and Quirrell was the only Ravenclaw I know we had. So now I have no Gryffindors, Hufflepuffs, or Ravenclaws left. How we FIND, DESTROY, or… what is it that Ravenclaws do?

yoneld: I think they LOSE things.

Voldemort: Thank you. *Avada Kedavra‘s yoneld*

yoneld: *dies*

Voldemort: Now, how we FIND, DESTROY, or LOSE things is completely and utterly beyond me.

Death Eaters: What’s with the Stupefy? As if that would do any harm! In the game version, we cast Petrificus Totalus, which is kind of a spell version of a sniper rifle. They pretty much took Call of Duty and turned the guns into spells.

Force field: Yeah no.

Stupefy jets: *explode*

~How did we see all of this? Aside from that random helicopter dropping the camera? Did Harry have a vision or something? That makes absolutely no sense or dollars, as Harry is still standing in the courtyard~

Harry: *starts running around the courtyard in a panic* AAAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! THE SHINY IS EXPLODING!

Stupefy jets: We are still exploding.

Grey Lady: Hem, hem.

yoneld: Can ghosts catch illnesses? Because you appear to have caught Umbridge-itis.

Grey Lady: Can you please get back to the topic of conversation? Because I will turn into a Patronus and dance through you again. Don’t try me, I’ll do it.

Harry: Hey! That’s what you want, too, isn’t it, Helena?

Grey Lady: I just said that I do, dummy!

Harry: You misunderstand me. The other thing that you want!

Grey Lady: Imma turn away from you now. *turns away from him now*

Harry: Uh… *runs to a different side of the courtyard* This is urgent! Don’t you want to DESTROY it, too, and you’re just waiting for a Gryffindor or Hermione’s eyebrows? And I am not at all mindful of your feelings, assuming ghosts have them.

Grey Lady: Someone else said he’ll DESTROY it, but he didn’t seem like a Gryffindor or Hermione’s eyebrows. He was dressed in Muggle clothing, so I didn’t know which house he was. It was fifty years ago. He was pretty weird, like his name. Also, MORE FANCY TALKING! Again, with me it’s okay.

Harry: Well, moving on from the fancy talking, I’m automatically assuming it was Tom Riddle. My scar should be hurting, like it did in Film Four every time there was something slightly associated with Voldemort. CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Grey Lady: He’s a lying liar who lies. How I know that is completely and utterly beyond me. *audible gasp* I’M PSYCHIC! And I am speaking monotonously this whole scene. What is with ghosts and monotony?

Harry: I know, right? Voldemort should change his name to “Lying Liar Who Lies”. Or, since his name is French, “Menteurquimente”.

Grey Lady: *shockingly does not turn into a Patronus or dance through Harry this time, but does go very close to Harry’s face*

Harry: AAAAAAHHHH! YOU’RE INVADING MY PERSONAL SPACE!

Grey Lady: I KNOW THAT HE’S A LYING LIAR WHO LIES! I ALSO PSYCHICALLY KNOW WHO HE IS! HE TOTALLY DEFILED IT WITH DARK MAGIC AND STUFF! AND MY VOICE IS ECHOEY!

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Grey Lady: And now I’m going to sulk. That’s how explosions work. *goes to sulk in the cloister*

Harry: *walks towards her* Are you okay?

Grey Lady: NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Harry: Voldemort is a lying liar who lies and he was a Slytherin so he’s not that good at DESTROYING things anyways. The only thing he’s any good at is… what is it that Slytherins do?

yoneld: I think they KILL things.

Harry: Thank you. *Avada Kedavra‘s yoneld*

yoneld: *dies*

Harry: Now, I may not be Hermione’s eyebrows, but I’m a Gryffindor, so I can DESTROY it. Once and for all. And personally, I don’t know any seventeen-year-olds who speak like that. And don’t tell me Dan was 21 when he did this film, because yoneld’s uncle is the same age as Dan and he doesn’t speak like that, either. Anyways, I need your help in FINDING it, even though we’re not Hufflepuffs.

Grey Lady: Oh well, when combined, we can FIND it as well as one Hufflepuff can.

Harry: But you’ll LOSE it!

Grey Lady: I’ll try not too.

Harry: That’s okay, with Hermione’s eyebrows’ DESTROYING skills, by the end of the night, it will be destroyed. And since you’re psychic, you can tell me where the lying liar who lies hid it. *conspiratorial whisper* Can you tell me?

Grey Lady: I don’t know…

Harry: Nobody will know, Helena.

Grey Lady: *turns around* Say the magic word.

Harry: Expelliarmus!

Spell: Con los terroristas! *dances through Grey Lady*

yoneld: Ah, so that’s what happens when you send spells at ghosts…

Spell: *deep voice* And do the Harlem Shake.

Harry: *break-dances*

Grey Lady: *keeps turning into a Patronus, going through Harry, and turning back into a ghost*

Spell: *ricochets off the walls and ceiling*

yoneld: *keeps turning the brightness on his laptop up and down*

Spell: Con los terroristas! *belches*

Soundtrack: Hem, hem.

yoneld: … why is the soundtrack making Umbridge impersonations? Wait… if the soundtrack can do Umbridge impersonations, can’t it do the Harlem Shake as well?

Soundtrack: No, I can’t. Now, let me turn all sad and slow.

Grey Lady: *goes around Harry in circles* Given my psychic abilities, I shouldn’t be so surprised that you remind me of the lying liar who lies because I should know you’re a Horcrux. CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE! *walks away* Anyways, now my psychic abilities are back. Maybe you make some kind of interference. It’s somewhere in the castle.

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AGAIN.

Grey Lady: Hey, guess what? I AM STARING BLANKLY TOO! Anyways, it’s where Draco practically lived two films ago. And now for a riddle that is only necessary because of Riddle: If you need to ask, you’ll never know. If you know, you need only ask.

Harry: I can solve riddles now? OH MY GOD THE WORLD IS ENDING WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE I WANT SOME PIZZA. Anyways, I solved the riddle. K THX BYEZ. *runs off*

Grey Lady: Let me demonstrate my non-canonical abilities by turning into a Patronus again. *demonstrates her non-canonical abilities by turning into a Patronus again*

Leave a comment or Harry will smash you and literally kick you out of wherever you are to the wrong movie.


	4. Teh LEARNING SPANISH IS NOT AS IMPRESSIVE AS JAPANESE

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film, book, or game in the series, Phineas and Ferb, the James Potter series, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, or iheartmwpp.

~More musical transitions!~

Stupefy jets: We are still exploding!

Random Ravenclaw siblings: We have no idea what we are talking about!

Harry: This is a pointless shot of me running down Ravenclaw tower.

~This film is full of random, pointless shots…~

Kingsley: Hey, I’m still in the movie!

Dean: Me too!

Remus: Me three!

Kingsley: Me four!

Dean: Me five!

Remus: Me six!

Kingsley: Me seven!

Dean: Me eight!

Kingsley and Remus: What did you eat?

Dean: OH I CAN’T BELIEVE I FELL FOR THAT!

Kingsley: Practical jokes are fun even a month after April Fools, when the film is supposed to be set, according to canon! But since Ron says in the beginning of the movie that Ginny hasn’t seen him in six months and the wedding happened in August, I assume the film is set in February. And here I was thinking this film is true to the book. That just shows you how you shouldn’t trust what people say. It happens everywhere, even in schools. They say it’s safe, and you get flying chairs.

Dean: Hem, hem.

yoneld: I know, I know, I should stop the Umbridge impersonations.

Dean: Back to the plot?

Kingsley: Oh right! Tell the new riddikulusly OOC Headmistress that we’ll hold off the Death Eaters from this side of the castle while the main character is searching for the Horcruxes and DESTROYS them in an attempt to defeat He-Who-Has-Gained-Possession-Of-One-Of-The-Titles-Of-The-Movie, who will most likely DESTROY him using said Title of the Movie.

Dean: Why am I pausing now? Did I have a brain freeze or something?

Kingsley: Stop brain-freezing!

Dean: Yes, sir.

Kingsley: Ooooooh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny… *is distracted by the shiny*

Slightly shiny and mostly pointless because we already know about the exploding Stupefy jets shot of the courtyard and bridge: *is slightly shiny and mostly pointless because we already know about the exploding Stupefy jets. And a shot of the courtyard and bridge*

Kingsley’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!: *loud whisper* Come back here!

Dean’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Promise, Kingsley Shacklebolt, sir -

Kingsley’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I don’t promise, I solemnly swear that the Death Eaters are up to no good. Anyways, now that I’m thinking about it, we’ll need a couple extra wands here.

Dean: Let me be a mindless sheep and obey your every word. Or maybe I think you’re replacing Amycus Carrow, not that we know his first name or his teaching post in this version, as the Defense Against the Dark Arts, even though half the fanbase -

yoneld: – myself included -

Dean: - is convinced that someone in Dumbledore’s Army is going to be teaching DADA. Not to mention that Book Seven says that you became Minister after He-Who-Has-Gotten-His-Soul-Split-In-Eight-Pieces-Thinking-It’s-Only-Seven-And-Now-Only-Has-Five-Eighths-Of-His-Soul-Which-Is-Going-To-Change-Pretty-Soon-And-By-The-End-Of-The-Movie-He’ll-Have-Only-One-Eighth-Which-Will-Leave-His-Body-FOREVAH! dies, and JKR specifically stated that you’ll be the permanent Minister of Magic. Fun fact: guess what the initials of Minister/Ministry of Magic spell? Mom! HA HA HA.

Kingsley: That’s not funny at all.

Dean: STOP BRINGING ME DOWN! *runs off crying*

Fred: Shouldn’t we walk past him now?

George: Yes. Yes, we should.

Remus: I’m totally going to share a bit of my innate wisdom now! It is the quality of one’s convictions that determine success, not the number of followers.

Kingsley: Are you quoting FDR again?

Remus: No, this is really me this time. *strained smile*

Kingsley: I’m not returning that smile. *does not return that smile*

Tonks: My hair would just not. Stick. To canon. What happened to the OOTP FINDING Tonks thing where Nat’s hair was all spiky? Shouldn’t they just have DYED HER HAIR PINK AND JUST LEAVE IT AS IS? They could’ve done that, but nooooooooooooooo, they had to make my hair long in Film Five, short but not at all spiky in Film Six, long again but brown in Film Seven, and now long with blond streaks.

Remus: Huh, that sounds awfully like my wife, who I specifically remember telling TO STAY AT HOME AND WATCH OUR NEWBORN SON who was not yet discussed in this movie, which renders my point invalid.

Tonks: GLOMP! *glomps*

Remus: OH NO YOU DI’INT! What happened to mothers in the HP series?

Tonks: What about them?

Remus: Well, shouldn’t they generally stay with their kids?

Tonks: No, you got that wrong. Mothers in the HP series should do whatever they need to do for their kids and make sacrifices if they need to. Which I am doing.

Remus: But Teddy’s one -

Movie watchers: Who’s Teddy?

Book readers: Words cannot describe how much we hate the filmmakers right now.

yoneld: Enormously?

Book readers: No.

yoneld: Humongously?

Book readers: No.

yoneld: Gigantically?

Book readers: No.

yoneld: Ginormously?

Book readers: WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE! If you don’t FIND a good word right now -

yoneld: I got it! Ginomongously!

Book readers: What?

yoneld: Gigantically, enormously, and humongously combined!

Book readers: One word can describe how much we hate the filmmakers right now. That word, courtesy of yoneld, is “ginomongously”.

Tonks: Hem, hem.

yoneld: Umbridge made tons of laws that made life extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, potato, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, Chewy bars, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely -

Tonks: Are you done yet?

yoneld: Nearly. Extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely difficult for your HUSBAND, for the love of Merlin’s outdated gigantic DOS computer that somehow still works!

Merlin: You should know that neither I nor my outdated gigantic DOS computer that somehow still works find it amusing.

yoneld: *ignores Merlin* Why are you imitating her?

Tonks: *ignores yoneld* Well, if Teddy’s one, that shouldn’t be a problem -

Remus: – week old. He needs his mother.

Tonks: Oh. Right. I would guess he’s at Mum’s, because that’s what the book says. That is, if canon actually applies for any unanswered questions in the film. Anyways, a grandmother should do just fine, and he’ll sleep till dawn, if babies can even sleep that much without screaming or waking or the intervention of MAGIC, and snore like his father, which babies shouldn’t do either. You big snorer, you. Anyways, hasn’t JKR established that in this series, every strong group needs a female character?

yoneld: Wait a moment. If this is 1998, Teddy should be about my age!

~Leaving that question unanswered, we now move on to the balcony~

Fred: Pay close attention, this is the last time I speak in the whole series.

yoneld: OH GOD WHY.

Fred: Also, we shouldn’t be in the balcony, Lavender should, I should be guarding the secret passages.

George: Yes. Yes, you should. Also, we are staring… OMINOUSLY!

Fred: While fingering our wands.

George: You okay?

Fred: Why wouldn’t I be okay?

George: Maybe, Iunno, because you’re going to DIE IN LESS THAN AN HOUR?

Fred: That does not bother me in the least bit.

George: *nudges and smiles* I am reassured.

~Meanwhile, thousands of miles below…~

Door to the Chamber of Secrets: I have surprisingly not changed at all from Film Two.

Ron: Abierto.

Camera: Imma cut to the door opening while Ron and Hermione stare. *cuts to the door opening while Ron and Hermione stare*

Snake on the door: I AM SLITHERING AROUND IN CIRCLES.

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE STARING.

Ron: Harry’s been giving people Spanish lessons in his sleep. Have you noticed?

Hermione’s eyebrows: No. No, we haven’t. We must be better sleepers than you.

~And now to the first sign of destruction~

Snatchers: Burning things is fun!

Quidditch pitch: I NEVER SAW MULTIPLE GAMES PER FILM!

Camera: Let me zoom out over the Dark/Forbidden/whatever Forest to the bridge, where Neville is standing and someone is climbing on the supports. *zooms out over the Dark/Forbidden/whatever Forest to the bridge, where Neville is standing and someone is climbing on the supports*

Seamus: Ooooooooooooh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny… *puts safety pin in the shiny so that it fits the bridge*

Editors: We totally suck at editing!

Green screen: *is clearly visible*

Studio floor: *is also clearly visible*

Weird thingies on studio ceiling: *are also also clearly visible*

Neville: Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Devon Murray, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, rings, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus, Seamus -

Seamus: WHAT DO YOU WANT.

Neville: Are you absolutely, completely, unequivocally, utterly, and without question sure that you know what you’re doing?

Seamus: YEAH! I’M STICKING SAFETY PINS IN SHINIES SO THAT THEY FIT THE BRIDGE! *thumbs-up*

Neville: I’m going to return that, unlike Kingsley. *returns the thumbs-up, unlike Kingsley*

VFX: *are back*

Green screen: *spontaneously morphs into Stonehenge rip-off*

Studio floor: *spontaneously morphs into Stonehenge rip-off ground*

Weird thingies on studio ceiling: *spontaneously morph into night sky*

Neville: I am staring out the window… OMINOUSLY!

Snatchers: FOR FREE PIZZA FOREVER!

Neville: Hang on, let me go closer and see what’s going on. *goes closer and sees what’s going on*

Snatchers #3,847-5, #8,274-3, and #8,472-5: WE NEVER SAW CAPE TOWN!

Neville: I AM BLINDED!

Scabior: STAY BACK! D’YOU WANT TO GO THE SAME WAY AS SNATCHERS #3,847-5, #8,274-3, AND #8,472-5?

Snatchers: … Mummy…

Neville: Oh, yeah? You and whose army? *makes monkey noises*

Scabior: You are so lucky you can hide behind your mommy.

Leave a comment or your surroundings will be replaced by a green screen, a studio floor, and weird thingies on the studio ceiling because of sloppy editing.


	5. Teh VOLDY'S MAGIC BATTERING RAM OF DOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film, book, or game in the series, A Very Potter Sequel, Phineas and Ferb, or iheartmwpp.

~Why didn’t they call this Harry Potter and the Musical Transitions?~

Sheldon: HEY I’m all skeleton-ey.

Ron: Eurgh. Hang on, let me pick out a fang. *picks out a fang*

Hermione: LOOK AT ME. It’s not as though I had enough screentime in these versions.

Ron: That’s nice.

Hermione: I AM FIDDLING WITH THAT BLOODY BEADED BAG OF MINE.

Ron: That’s nice.

Hermione: I am now taking out something which turns out to be the stolen Horcrux.

Ron: That’s nice. *walks towards her*

Hermione: DESTROY IT!

Ron: That’s nice. *gives her Sheldon’s fang*

Hermione: I can’t do it. I have to give you my Worried FaceTM.

Ron: That’s nice.

Hermione: Will you stop it?

Ron: That’s nice.

Hermione: Siriusly, stop it.

Ron: Of course you can DESTROY it! At least, your eyebrows can.

Hermione’s eyebrows: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Ron: … nevermind.

Ron and Hermione: *go to the front of the chamber and sit down*

Ron: *looks straight at Hermione* EWWWWWWW!

Hermione: WHO DISRESPECTING HERMIONE.

Ron: I was talking about the Horcrux.

Hermione: … right, I knew that.

Ron: DESTROY it!

Hermione’s eyebrows: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

~We are experiencing technical difficulties. The camera insists upon showing random shots of the main character~

Harry: I AM SHOULDERING MY WAY THROUGH THE STUDENTS ONTO THE STAIRCASE. ALL OF THIS WHILE STARING BLANKLY.

Random student #87: Ow, that was my foot, Harry!

~Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay~

Ron: I still look adorkable.

Hermione: Eyebrows or not, I will destroy it!

Cup: NO! NO ME APUÑALAR!

Hermione: Stab.

Cup: YO NUNCA MIRABA IOWA!

yoneld: I never saw Iowa either. Actually, I might have seen it from above. Possibly.

~Hello, Ron here. “Ron and Hermione” will be right back.~

Voldemort: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

~Now, back to “Ron and Hermione”~

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE STARING HORRIFIEDLY AT THE RISING WATER. THERE IS NOTHING MORE HORRIFYING THAN WATER.

~The camera that is stalking Ron and Hermione is malfunctioning~

Harry: OW!

Wall: OW!

~Ah, there we go~

Hermione: *surfs the tidal wave, creates nanobots, and locates Frankenstein’s brain*

Ron: It’s over here! *points to the exit*

Hermione: *finds a dodo bird, paints a continent, and drives her nonexistent sister insane*

Hermione’s nonexistent sister: Hermione!

Water: SHOWERS!

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE SOAKED AND THEREFORE COMPLETELY SHOCKED AS IF WE’VE NEVER BEEN IN WATER OUR WHOLE LIVES.

~As you can see/There’s a whole lot of stuff to do/Before school starts this fall/So stick with us/Cause Phineas and Ferb are/Gonna do it all~

Voldemort: Ow. Ow. OW!

~Constant reversion~

Harry: I should NOT have that crick in the neck from three films ago.

yoneld: *rubs sore neck from sitting in the car for three hours with all the suitcases* Stop doing that.

~Back to Ron and Hermione… weird, I don’t remember the book going back and forth between the characters except maybe Harry and Voldy~

Ron: WE ARE SAVED!

Hermione: Well, if you’re not gonna do it now, you might never do it, since we might be KILLED INSTANTLY tonight?

Ron: Do what?

Hermione: You are such an idiot.

Ron: And you love me for it. *waggles eyebrows*

Hermione: O. M. G. That is, like, totally hot.

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE SNOGGING PASSIONATELY.

Book readers: No. No. No! WE DEMAND HARRY’S INTERRUPTION!

Ron and Hermione: *finally emerge*

Ron: That was so cool, let’s do it again!

Hermione: Not now, the main character is waiting for us!

Ron and Hermione: THAT WAS AWESOME!

Hermione: JINX! You owe me a soda.

Ron: M’kay. *pops to the nearest convenience store and gets her some Sprite*

~And now to Voldy and his minions~

Voldemort: Let me take out my anger on this conveniently placed force field! *takes out his anger on conveniently placed force field*

McGonagall: I appear to be bored.

Ginny: This does not bode well.

Force field: I NEVER SAW ALASKA!

Bellatrix: O. M. G. That was, like, totally hot.

Voldemort: I cannot feel love.

Bellatrix: Curses, foiled again.

Title of the Movie: I can barely contain my laughter.

Voldemort: This does not bode well.

Title of the Movie: I AM CRACKING UP!

Harry: *runs to the nearest staircase*

~Now, for the moment we’ve all been waiting for…~

Bridge: Kill. Me. Now.

Neville: This does not bode well.

Burned force field piece: *burns up Scabior’s wand*

Scabior: I guess you can’t have everything in life, but if that was a piece of the force field that killed these three Snatchers, that means that… THE FORCE FIELD IS DOWN! THERE’S PIZZA IN HOGWARTS!

Snatchers: PIZZA!

Neville: DESTROYus Bridgeum!

Shinies: *explode*

Bridge: I NEVER SAW ANTARCTICA!

Scabior: I appear to have gotten a new wand.

Snatcher #2,847-5: Yeah, I couldn’t prevent the fall because you TOOK MY WAND!

Scabior: I NEVER SAW ROME!

Ginny: NEVILLE! NOOOOOOOO!

Neville: I NEVER SAW – oh wait, I’m alive. I’M ALIVE!

Neville’s wand: Hang in there, guys! Neville’s coming.

Neville: That went superbly.

Leave a comment or your eyebrows will fall asleep just when you most need them.


	6. Teh NOES SOMEBODY'S COAT EXPLODED!

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film, book, or game in the series, Phineas and Ferb, A Very Potter Sequel, Artemis Fowl, or iheartmwpp.

~Actual transitions are being used again!~

Camera: I AM A DEATH EATER!

Giants: WIJ WILLEN DET KASTEEL TE VERNIETIGEN EN IEDEREEN IN HET TE ETEN. BOVENDIEN, VRAAG ONS NIET WAAROM WE SPREKEN VAN NEDERLANDS. HET WAS HELEMAAL YONELD IDEE.

yoneld: Yes, it was my idea, but I have no idea where did it come from.

Camera: … and now I am no longer a Death Eater.

Statues: OH NO YOU DON’T! *lock shields*

Flitwick: … Mummy… *runs for his life*

Giant #1: JE ZAL NIET WEGKOMEN, KOBOLD JONGEN!

Flitwick: Part-goblin I may be, but NOBODY CALLS ME BOY! Evilropeum OfDOOOOOOOOOM!us!

Evil ropes of DOOOOOOOOOOM!: DIE, GIANT!

Giant #1: IK HEB NOG NOOIT VAN NEDERLAND!

Giant #2: DAT WAS MIJN BESTESTE VRIENDELIJKE-VRIEND! JE BETAALT VOOR DEZE, JONGEN!

Flitwick: … Mummy…

Giant #2: STERVEN, JONGEN!

Flitwick: *runs for his life* MY NAME IS NOT STEVEN!

Giant #3: STERVEN, DOMME STANDBEELDEN!

Giant #4: WIJ ZIJN RAZENDE OVER DE BRUG!

Giant #1: Ziet, ik ben gevallen. Oh, de verschrikkigen van de oorlog!

Evil Smoky Death Eaters of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: We are evil of DOOOOOOOOOOOM! and smoky. And Death Eaters. Also, we are sending killing curses at the statues.

Statues: Yeah no. Oh, you may not think we’re shiny/But don’t judge on what you see/We’ll eat ourselves if you can find/More awesome knights than us/You can keep your plinths marble/Your coins shiny and small/For we’re the Hogwarts statues/And we can top them all/There’s nothing lurking outside the castle/That we can’t beat/So try us out and you will see/How awesome we can be/So try us out! You sure can/Don’t get in a fright/You’re in safe hands (though ours are full)/For we are Protecting Knights!

Evil Smoky Death Eaters of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: WE NEVER SAW BRAZIL!

Courtyard: *explodes*

McGonagall: GET IN! THERE’S NO WAY THE REST OF THE BUILDING WILL EXPLODE TOO! TAKE COVER SO THAT NO SPELLS THAT GOT IN THROUGH ANY OPEN AND/OR SHATTERED WINDOWS WILL HIT YOU! AND JUST IN CASE YOU CAN’T SEE THROUGH THE EXPLOSIONS AND/OR FORGOT HOW TO GET INSIDE EVEN THOUGH ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN HERE FOR A TOTAL OF AT LEAST SIX MONTHS, THE ENTRANCE IS OVER HERE!

Camera: I AM NOW FOLLOWING THE ONLY SURVIVING EVIL SMOKY DEATH EATER OF DOOOOOOOOOOOM!

Only surviving evil smoky Death Eater of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I AM BLOWING UP THE BUILDING!

McGonagall: HOW DARE YOU!

Only surviving evil Death Eater of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I am no longer smoky. Also, Avada Kedavra!

Whoever was just hit: I NEVER SAW ANDORRA!

yoneld: Please don’t be Fred, please don’t be Fred…

Death Eater whose serial number can now be revealed as #8,437-5: I am no longer the only surviving Death Eater. DIE, WHOEVER IT IS ON THE OTHER CATWALK!

Arthur: Yeah no.

Death Eater #8,437-5: What… this was not supposed to happen! Is my wand a twin of Weasley’s or something?

Arthur: Dude, this is the movie. Now, spells always do that when they collide, instead of exploding and then going off course. Also, one of yoneld’s friendly-friends is convinced that I’m Remus.

Death Eater #4,785-4: ‘Sup, guys?

Kingsley: DIE! *shoots spell*

Window: NO NOT THE DEATH EATER! *is smashed into pieces by Kingsley’s spell*

Kingsley: Such a pity. DIE! *shoots spell again*

Spell: WHEE! *hits Death Eater in the forehead, giving him a fez-shaped scar and then backfires to Kingsley*

Death Eater #4,785-4: I AM NOW A HORCRUX OF SHACKLEBOLT!

Kingsley: That just hurt a little. Lucky it was Stupefy! Let me throw this Time Turner at the window and the Death Eater. *throws this Time Turner at the window and Death Eater*

Time Turner: Let me reverse what just happened. *reverses what just happened*

Window: I’M ALIVE! But that doesn’t reverse the Horcrux-ification.

Death Eater #4,785-4, otherwise known as KS Horcrux #1: I NEVER SAW MOSCOW!

Kingsley: Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Shackles. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Bolts. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Kings. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

~What is with the musical transitions? Why can’t they do actual transitions???!!!~

Harry: I AM RUNNING DOWN THE STAIRS, PRESUMABLY TO FIND THE DIADEM. But then, why am I going down instead of up? Isn’t the Room of Requirement on the seventh floor? CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Students: *scream*

Harry: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?

Death Eater #4,958-2: I AM ACTUALLY NOT KILLING ANYONE OR TRYING TO GET POTTER!

Harry: DIE, DEATH EATER! STUPEFY!

Death Eater #4,958-2: I NEVER SAW INDIANA!

Harry: What – But Harry Potter never meant to kill! Harry Potter only meant to… maim, or… Siriusly injure!

Random student #26: NO NOT THE COAT!

Random student #27: WELL, GET IT ON!

yoneld: I somehow managed to make it look like Random Student #93 is crying when I paused.

Harry: I sound completely out of breath by just killing someone!

Ginny: You did WHAT?

Harry: Nothing! You okay, baby?

Neville: GET AWAY FROM ME!

Harry: I meant Ginny. You okay, matey?

Ginny: So I’m back to just being your friendly-friend again? Bat-Bogey Hex!

Bat Bogeys: WHEE! *nose-dive Harry*

Harry: I meant Neville!

Ginny and Neville: WE’RE OKAY!

Neville: JINX! You owe me a soda.

Ginny: Sorry, the Hogwarts convenience store just exploded.

Neville: Curse you, Ginny the Girlfriend. Anyways, I FEEL LIKE A DRAGON!

Harry: … is he okay?

Ginny: Yeah, he’s just earned his awesomeness.

Neville: NO NOT THE EGG!

Harry: Or he was hit hard on the head.

Neville: I’VE GOT RASPBERRY JUICE ON MY FACE!

Harry: You might want to get that looked at.

Neville: It’s beautiful, isn’t it? *dreamy smile* The moon.

Harry: OH GOD NOT THAT AGAIN.

Neville: I can’t stop thinking about her, Harry.

Harry: SNAP OUT OF IT!

Neville: But I don’t think she knows I exist.

Harry: She was standing right next to you, like, two films ago!

Neville: *are confuzzled* Who are you talking about?

Harry: Who are you talking about?

Neville: *dreamy smile* The moon, of course. The good love of the moon.

Harry: What? The moon isn’t female!

Neville: In Latin, Spanish, and Italian she is! She’s also a very beautiful girl.

Harry: I don’t speak any of these languages.

Neville: … with all these yellow-dyed brown curls? And those big blue eyes?

Harry: You mean Luna?

Neville: OF COURSE I MEAN LUNA! I’M MAD FOR HER!

Harry: I believe the correct preposition to use here would be at. Why are you mad at Luna? What has she ever done to you?

Neville: Hello? British film?

Harry: … right, I knew that.

Neville: Yeah, right.

Harry: WHO DISRESPECTING HARRY.

Neville: I’d better tell her about it. You heard He-Who-Thought-He-Was-Mesmerizing-Us-But-Really-Wasn’t-Because-Opal-Still-Didn’t-Find-A-Way-To-Do-It-And-Now-She’s-Dead-So-She-Can’t-Find-One-Anyways. Before the night is out, he will kill both of US, do you understand?

Harry: *looks away*

Neville: *slaps him* Look at me.

Harry: *looks at him* You appear to have caught my pessimistic thinking and my understanding of Voldemort. Also, IT’S JUST A SUMMER FLING, FOR THE LOVE OF MERLIN’S OLD KEROSENE LAMP!

Neville: Stop bringing me down! *runs off crying*

Harry: Look, love -

Ginny: YOU DO NOT OWN ME. IT EVEN SAYS SO IN THE DISCLAIMER TO THE FANFIC YOU WROTE ON WIZ.FANFICTION.NET ABOUT YOU AND ME.

Said fanfic: Disclaimer: I do not own Ginny or anybody else. I don’t even own -

Ginny: OKAY! Here, you don’t own me. I DO WHAT I WANT!

Harry: YOUNG LADY, YOU’RE SIXTEEN!

Ginny: So?

Book readers: We truly hate the filmmakers right now.

Stairs: WE AGREE! *explode*

Harry: Oh right, that was never covered in this version. Okay, bye!

Ginny: Harry, wait!

Harry: Not now, Ginny!

Ginny: I need to speak to you!

Harry: I’m a bit preoccupied at the moment!

Ginny: Harry!

Harry: Later!

Ginny: HARRY POTTER! YOU LISTEN TO ME IMMEDIATELY.

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Ginny: O. M. G. That is, like, totally hot.

Harry and Ginny: WE ARE NOT SNOGGING AS PASSIONATELY AS RON AND HERMIONE.

Harry: Ginny, I -

Ginny: I know, I know, you love me. Now GO!

Harry: But Ginny, I -

Ginny: Don’t you have something to FIND?

yoneld: No, he has something to DESTROY, hopefully with the help of Hermione’s eyebrows. I’m the one who has something to FIND, as I’m the Hufflepuff. But you’re going to have to wait until tomorrow, so why don’t you see if iheartmwpp is available?

Harry: Ginny! I need a Twizzler disguised as a RED VINE!

Ginny: YOU ALREADY HAVE ONE! LUNA GAVE YOU A WHOLE BUNCH OF THEM!

Harry: K THX BYEZ.

Ginny: *runs up the stairs*

Harry: *runs down the stairs*

yoneld: I are confuzzled. Why is he going down? Is he trying to find Ron and Hermione? That makes no sense or dollars.

A/N: Giant translation:

Giants: WE WILL DESTROY THIS CASTLE AND EAT EVERYONE IN IT. ALSO, DON’T ASK US WHY WE’RE SPEAKING IN DUTCH. IT WAS TOTALLY YONELD’S IDEA.

Giant #1: YOU WON’T GET AWAY, GOBLIN BOY!

Giant #1: I NEVER SAW THE NETHERLANDS!

Giant #2: THAT WAS MY BESTEST FRIENDLY-FRIEND! YOU SHALL PAY FOR THAT, BOY!

Giant #2: DIE, BOY!

Giant #3: DIE, STUPID STATUES!

Giant #4: WE ARE RAMPAGING ACROSS THE BRIDGE!

Giant #1: Behold, I am fallen. Oh, the horrors of war!

I was going to make the giants speak Russian, but I didn’t. Instead, I’ll put a translation into Russian here.

Giants: MY BUDYEM RAZRUSHIT’ ZAMOK I YEDYAT VSYE V NYEM. KROMYE TOGO, NYE SPRASHIVAYTYE NAS, POCHYEMU MY GOVORIM NA GOLLANDSKOM YAZYKYE. ETO BYLA POLNOST’YU IDYEYA YONELD AVTORA.

Giant #1: VY NYE UYDYETYE, GOBLIN MAL’CHIK!

Giant #1: YA NIKOGDA NYE VIDYEL V NIDYERLANDAKH!

Giant #2: ETO BYL MOY PUCHSHIY DRUG! VY DOLZHNY PLATIT’ ZA ETO, MAL’CHIK!

Giant #2: UMYERYET’, MAL’CHIK!

Giant #3: UMYERYET’, PLUPYY STATUI!

Giant #4: MY NYEISTOVYY CHYERYEZ MOST!

Giant #1: Vot, ya upal. O, uzhasy voyny!

Leave a comment or whoever Death Eater #8,437-5 killed will turn out to be your favorite character.


	7. Teh RANDOM SHOTS OF RANDOMNESS

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film, book, or game in the series, Phineas and Ferb, or iheartmwpp.

~I have no idea where that is supposed to go~

Filch: I look like an elf. Sleep tight, guys!

Pansy: Without beds?

Filch: Get over yourself, you Pansy.

Pansy: MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS, YOU FILTHY SQUIB.

Filch: LA LA LA, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Pansy: CURSE YOU, FILCH THE CARETAKER!

Filch: I’m going out with a creepy smile. It’s not like the dungeons will explode or anything!

Dungeons: *explode or anything*

Filch: NO NOT THE BELOVED CASTLE!

Students: *trample Filch*

Filch: *is flattened* Is that a Gryffindor I just saw?

Random student #35: I should be in Slytherin. Good morning, Agent AFC. The evil filmmakers are up to their old tricks. For reasons completely unknown, they’ve purchased a new computer and printer and a whole bunch of paper and ink. Your mission is to find out why, and if necessary, put a stop to it.

Filch: *gets up, salutes, and leaves via jet pack*

Goyle and Blaise: Let us GET AWAY FROM HERE! *try to GET AWAY FROM HERE*

Draco: *apparates right between them* Yeah no.

Book readers: *look straight at filmmakers* Filmmakers, your services are no longer required.

Filmmakers: *bring up their giant evil ax of DOOOOOOOOOOM! and cut a pumpkin with it*

Movie watchers: Since when is Crabbe African-British?

Book readers: He isn’t. They took Zabini and replaced Crabbe with him.

Blaise: WHOA BAD TOUCH.

Draco: I am not in a good mood today, so SHADDUP AND OBEY MY EVERY WORD.

Blaise: Look, it’s not my fault Crabbe got in trouble with the Muggle authorities!

Draco: I NEED A NEW MINION.

Blaise: M’kay. *SHADDUPS AND OBEYS HIS EVERY WORD*

Draco: THIS WAY!

~Pay close attention, this is the last back-and-forth thing dude guy place*

Waze: Explosions in the next 500 meters.

Ceiling: I NEVER SAW JOHANNESBURG!

Windows: I NEVER SAW LONDON!

Harry: RUNNING FOR MY LIFE!

Waze: Explosions done. Also, you have reached your destination.

yoneld: Waze is an Israeli GPS app thing dude guy place which somehow knows about all traffic that happens anywhere in the world and you don’t have to find an alternative to avoid traffic – when it originally calculates the route, it purposely does so to avoid traffic. It has just been bought by Google.

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT THE WALL.

Completely pointless shot of Harry’s back: *is completely pointless. And a shot of Harry’s back*

Harry: Okay. No need to get mad at a door pretending to be a brick wall. Close your eyes… take a deep breath… count to ten…

~SECOND TO LAST RANDOM, POINTLESS SHOT, EVERYONE!~

Ron: I told you we should’ve used Waze. M&M is just too messy.

Hermione: M&Ms? Where?

Ron: No, that’s the trademark of the GPS you’re using.

Hermione: He’s over here!

Ron: *finds a dodo bird, paints a continent, and drives his sister insane*

Ginny: RONALD!

Hermione: He just disappeared!

Ron: He could’ve Apparated, due to the COMPLETE LACK OF CONTINUITY?

Hermone: No, he hasn’t come across that glitch yet.

Ron: But, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, Rupert Grint, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but, but -

Hermione: OMG SHUT UP.

Ron: But you said M&M has a glitch! It doesn’t know about the existence of the Room of Requirement! You said so last year in a deleted scene!

People who haven’t watched the deleted scenes from Film Six: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

People who have watched them: No, she really did say so in Film Six. In a deleted scene.

Malfoy: Ah, I remember last year when I was giving exposition to this wall while the audience overheard me…

Blaise: Hem, hem.

yoneld: YOU DIDN’T EVEN EXIST UNTIL BOOK/FILM SIX/GAME EIGHT EXCEPT FOR THAT CAMEO IN BOOK ONE! HOW WOULD YOU KNOW ABOUT UMBRIDGE IN THIS VERSION?

Malfoy: Oh right… Come on! Goyle, replace Crabbe, as he has gotten in trouble with the Muggle authorities! Blaise, replace Goyle!

Blaise: How did we just Apparate there?

Goyle: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Malfoy: BRISK WALKING! Didn’t McGonagall cover that in first year?

Leave a comment or you will have to replace one of your classmate’s minions who got in trouble with the Muggle authorities.


	8. Teh ROOM OF REQUIREMENT AGAIN

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film, book, or game in the series, Artemis Fowl, Phineas and Ferb, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, or iheartmwpp.

~Now we’re back to only Harry’s POV for a while~

Harry: Looks like I finally FOUND that Apparating glitch!

yoneld: We won’t be forgetting who actually FOUND it, I hope, Mr. Potter?

Harry: How dare you speak to me like that in my own MOVIE!

yoneld: THIS IS MY PARODY. I DO WHAT I WANT.

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY. Also, I no longer have a scar. WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

Camera: *Apparates over to a certain Snitch* Ooooooooooooooooooooooh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny…

Harry: Hello? Right here!

Camera: *looks up*

Harry: *walks in to the suspenseful music*

Said suspenseful music: FORESHADOWIIIIIIIING!

Waze: Turn left.

Harry: *turns left*

yoneld: Hey, a Harry Potter question on a math exam!

Parody readers: Ahem.

yoneld: *stops reviewing for his math final for a moment* Oh, this? This is just a random, pointless montage of Harry walking and staring in shock. *goes back to reviewing* Huh, they got something wrong...

Waze: Turn – GPS signal lost.

Harry: WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO TURN?

Camera: I should totally go to the back of his head! That would be much more interesting than his face!

Audience: Bo-ring!

Harry: *breathes heavily* The Horcrux in me is so excited that it’s making it hard to breathe.

Camera: Up, down, right, left…

Pixie: *exists*

Anyone who has played Games One, Two, Three, or Seven: *wet themselves in terror*

Harry: I need to shave.

yoneld: Duh! You’re Harry!

Diadem: Es un Horcrux compañero que yo percibo?

Harry: *slowly turns around*

Audience: GET ON WITH IT!

Harry: *slowly walks towards it*

~Five years later~

Harry: I have finally reached the Diadem!

Diadem: *is in a box covered with ropes*

Globe: Wasn’t I here in Film Six?

Harry: *removes ropes*

Book readers: This. Is. Not. Canon! It was supposed to be on an ugly bust with a wig! Wait… IT WAS THERE THE WHOLE TIME NEXT TO THE GLOBE? WE HATE YOU FILMMAKERS, WE TRULY DO.

Box and kerosene lamp: *are uncovered*

~Fifty years later~

Audience: *has turned old* Why are we still here?

yoneld: Because you can’t wait to see how I make fun of this and then steal my lines.

Camera: Imma zoom in on Harry’s face now. *zooms in on Harry’s face now*

Harry: Let me open this box offscreen. *opens this box offscreen*

Diadem: Oh, claro. Ahora puedes percibirme? CONTINUIDAD! ESTA SERIE TIENE NINGUNO!

Harry: *tries to grab Diadem with chopsticks*

Soundtrack: I AM SUSPENSEFUL AND MYSTERIOUS.

~Two hundred years later~

Draco: CLIIIIIIIIIIIIMAX!

Harry: *turns around quickly*

Ghosts of the audience: FINALLY!

Draco: Whatcha doing?

Harry: Whatcha doing?

Draco: GIVE ME MY STUFF.

Harry: I’m one of the only characters who DOESN’T wear rings.

Draco: MY OTHER STUFF.

Harry: My house has been willed to me by its rightful owner.

Draco: NO NOT THAT STUFF.

Harry: What’s wrong with that one?

Draco: It makes everything at a two-foot radius a Mystery Spot, like in Santa Cruz.

Harry: That would tend be a problem. *is suddenly much taller than Draco* But why is it malfunctioning?

Draco: It’s my mom’s. *starts rolling down the floor as if it was a hill* She’s blood type AB+ and I’m O-, so it won’t accept me. It’s powerful, but it can only communicate with those AB+ types. Know what I mean?

Harry: I don’t get you.

Draco: Nothing, really, just that IT DOESN’T WORK!

Harry: Why didn’t you tell her?

Draco: I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Besides, she’d put me in the solitary confinement of my room if I did.

Harry: Not your mom! Your aunt!

Draco: She married a Mudblood. I don’t speak to her.

Harry: Your other aunt!

Draco: She would lock me in the cellar if I so much as breathed without permission.

Harry: Then how are you alive?

Draco: MAGIC!

Harry: WOW that’s harsh. Next to that, my uncle abusing me my whole childhood and beating me up for SIMPLY EXISTING is nothing!

yoneld: And so is being choked by fellow classmates!

Draco: LYING LIAR WHO LIES!

Harry: Whatever. I was talking about when I came over for spring break. You totally recognized me!

Draco: I DON’T WANT MY CLASSMATE TO DIE! I WANT TO STARE BLANKLY FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

Harry: We share that particular interest.

Goyle: Whatcha waiting for, wimp? You the man!

Draco: Easy, Goyle. Let’s… not kill him right now.

Hermione: TIMING!

Narcissa’s wand: I NEVER SAW PARAGUAY!

Goyle: DIE, FILTHY MUDBLOOD!

Hermione: MISSED! STUPEFY!

Spell: I don’t know why you even bother. He’s too stupid to be Stupefied. Let me hit the Diadem. *hits the Diadem*

Hermione and the Slytherins… interesting band name: *run off*

Ron: NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!

Harry: I am now throwing furniture.

yoneld: *runs out of the room*

Soundtrack: GRINGOTTS!

Hermione: *is back* I am also throwing furniture.

Harry: GET OUT OF MY WAY, STUPID PIXIES! *throws a pixie*

Pixie: I NEVER SAW CORNWALL!

Stupid pixies: *get out of his way*

Harry: It’s there!

Hermione’s eyebrows: *reach into the armchair* Got it!

Harry: Wonderful.

Harry and Hermione: WHEEEEEEE!

Hermione: *lands on her feet*

Harry: *falls on his head and cracks his skull*

Hermione: Oh, for the love of Merlin’s stereotyping employer. Skullus reparo!

Harry’s skull: *mends*

Harry: *massages his head* Thanks. How did you do that?

Hermione: MAGIC? Duh!

Harry: I mean landing on your feet.

Hermione: Crookshanks taught me!

Harry: I need a cat.

yoneld’s friendly-friend’s cat: Mrrow?

Ron: *runs in* RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Harry and Hermione: *RUN FOR THEIR LIVES*

Goyle: *sets the bloody place on fire*

Book readers: Sigh…

Draco: GET OUT OF HERE! *pulls Blaise by his shirt*

Goyle: *GETS OUT OF HERE*

Ron and Hermione: We appear to have ditched Harry.

Harry: WHERE ARE MY FRIENDLY-FRIENDS WHEN I NEED THEM.

Reunited Trio of WE WILL NEVER SEPARATE AGAIN!: WE ARE SURROUNDED BY FIRE!

Harry: Waterus Spellium!

Fire: I NEVER SAW ITALY!

Ron: *stumbles into a Deus Ex Machina*

Deus Ex Machina-s: WE ARE BROOMS.

Ron: UP!

Broom: *thwacks him in the face*

Harry: *laughs*

Ron: Shut up.

Hermione: UP!

Broom: YOU FAIL.

Harry: UP!

Broom: YAY A COMPETENT BROOM RIDER!

People who have watched this movie too many times: Da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da, DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!

Draco: UP THERE!

Slytherin Trio of One Of Us Is About To Die: *climb on table*

Pixies: Yeah no.

Goyle: I NEVER SAW ATHENS!

Draco: NO NOT THE MINION!

Ron: THIS WAY! *has a genuine terrified expression*

Harry: *looks at Slytherin Duo of One Member Short*

Table: *falls*

Draco and Blaise: HEEEEEEEEEEELP!

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT THEM! WE MUST SAVE THEM!

Ron: HE’S NOT SIRIUS, IS HE?

Hermione: NO! NO, HE’S NOT! HE’S HARRY AND HE HAS A SAVING-PEOPLE-THING!

Harry: Hold on! Take my hand!

Draco: I CAN’T! YOUR HAND’S ALL SWEATY!

Harry: *goes back*

Ron: IF WE DIE FROM YOUR SAVING-PEOPLE-THING, I’LL KILL YOU!

Harry: You can’t kill me if I’m dead.*takes Draco*

Ron: It’s just an expression, genius! *takes Blaise*

Harry: I AM PLAYING QUIDDITCH.

Fire: HELLO?

Harry: BLUDGER! *dodges*

Hermione: Partis Temporus!

Completely Dry Trio of We Should Stop This: *crash-land*

Draco: Please exit to your left. *runs off crying for his minion*

Blaise: I hope you enjoyed 400° Fahrenheit! *runs off crying for whoever is going to be Draco’s new minion*

Harry: I AM ALWAYS CRAWLING BACKWARDS!

Diadem: YO YA ESTABA DESTRUIDO EN EL FUEGO!

Hermione: Take this! *throws Sheldon’s fang*

Harry: Stab.

Diadem: YO NUNCA MIRABA TOKYO!

Harry: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Wall: IKR.

Ron: DIE! *kicks Diadem into Fire*

Triple fiery Voldemort heads: *are triple and fiery. And Voldemort heads*

Doors: WE ARE CLOSING.

Leave a comment or you will be BURNT ALIVE!


	9. Teh HORRIBLE DEATHS OF HORROR

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film, book, or game in the series, The Kane Chronicles, Artemis Fowl, Phineas and Ferb, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, or iheartmwpp.

~Five down, two to go~

yoneld (watching the movie for the first time): Please don’t stick to canon, please don’t stick to canon…

Book readers: HELP! OUR SUBSTITUTE PARODY WRITER HAS GONE OVER TO THE MOVIE WATCHERS!

yoneld: IDIOTS! DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHAT PART IN THE BOOK THIS IS?

Book readers: … You scare us sometimes.

yoneld: THIS IS THE PART WHERE MY FAVORITE CHARACTER DIES!

Book readers: … Your favorite character is Crabbe? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

yoneld: NO, YOU IDIOTS! MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IS FRED! HE’S GOING TO DIE JUST ABOUT NOW IF THEY STICK TO CANON!

Book readers: … Right, we knew that.

yoneld: *thwacks them in the head with his hardcover edition of Book Five*

Book readers: *see floating zebras* Weasels are sick.

Harry: Hem, hem.

yoneld: On your head be it. *waves his hardcover edition of Book Five*

Harry: THE LACK OF CONTINUITY PHYSICALLY PAINS ME!

Nagini: ESTOY DESLIZÁNDOSE SOBRE EL PISO!

Voldemort: I DON’T CARE! I AM WOUNDED DUE TO THE LACK OF CONTINUITY!

Harry: Am I mimicking Voldemort now?

Parody readers: Lying liar who lies.

yoneld: What?

Parody readers: You said there would only be Harry stuff from now on.

yoneld: I’m sorry, next time I’ll get you a shot of Harry’s face. That hairy enough for you?

Parody readers: Not hairy, Harry!

yoneld: My name isn’t Harry.

Parody readers: What we meant was that you said things would only be seen from Harry’s point of view!

yoneld: Well, Voldemort is fine, Harry’s seeing it through his scar.

Voldemort: O. M. G. This is not happening. No way.

Harry: I appear to be crying.

Soundtrack: Why am I all sad and stuff?

Voldemort: I forgot what part of me did that Horcrux turn snakey. The face? The arm?

Soundtrack: That’s more like it!

Pius: I’m still in the movie! You okay, My Lord?

Voldemort: NO! YOU ARE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY MADE OF THICKNESSE AND YOU SHOULD DIE!

Pius: I NEVER SAW CHILE!

Voldemort: Don’t get me wrong. I’m not upset over killing this tool, just over a seventh of my soul DYING! I need to keep the last two sevenths safe.

Nagini: Por qué hablo inglés? No establecemos que yo comprendo sólo pársel? CONTINUIDAD! ESTA SERIE TIENE NINGUNA!

Harry: Voldemort just killed an innocent man. OH GOD WHY! WHY! *cries his eyes out*

Soundtrack: I am sad again.

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE STARING AT YOU.

Harry: Fine, I’ll say it. It’s the snake. Happy?

Ron and Hermione: Not much.

Harry: She’s the last one. *points towards the forest*

Hermione: WHAT – I AM NOT A HORCRUX!

Harry: GET OUT OF THE WAY! IT’S THE LAST HORCRUX!

Hermione: So now Nagini has gone from being a “she” to being an “it”.

Harry: Yep, pretty much.

Hermione: I AM STARING BLANKLY.

Ron’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOM!: Look inside him. He’s an encyclopedia.

Camera: Hi, Hermione! Stealing everyone’s lines as usual?

Hermione: No, Ron’s stealing my lines.

Camera: Wait, what?

Ron’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOM!: Hey, camera! Over here!

Camera: Hi, Ron!

Ron: Hi. Anyways, Harry, you need to find out where he is, even though it’s only… February, not March! And you’re not allowed to find out anything until, like, June. But if we manage to FIND him, even though we’re not Hufflepuffs, then we can FIND the snake.

yoneld: Why don’t you leave the FINDING to me.

Ron: *ignores yoneld* And then we can end this! Voldy will go moldy!

Hedwig’s theme: He sure is right about that.

Hermione: I HAVE MY WORRIED FACE.

Harry: *cricks neck*

yoneld: Stop reminding me. *cricks his still aching neck* Whoa, that is not supposed to make that sound.

Random, pointless montages of boathouse stuff: We are random and pointless. And montages of boathouse stuff.

Hedwig’s theme: SAVE ME! *runs out*

Harry: You’re going to have to pay me extra for this. JSYK.

Nagini: Oooooooooooooooh, brillaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaante…

Lucius: This is disturbing. Also, I need to shave.

Voldemort: NOES I’M SHEDDING!

Lucius’ creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOM!: My Lord. Please don’t kill me for this, but MORE FANCY TALKING!

Voldemort: What are you implying?

Lucius: I am implying that I’m giving you tactical advice. Just seek him yourself. *nervous smile*

Voldemort: I DON’T PLAY QUIDDITCH!

Lucius: Okay. FIND him yourself.

yoneld: How DARE you compare this monster to a Hufflepuff?

Lucius: FINE! LOOK FOR HIM AND KILL HIM!

Harry: This does not bode well…

Voldemort!: I DON’T NEED TO LOOK FOR HIM! HE DOESN’T TALK FANCY ENOUGH TO *turns around* EVADE ME! Do you understand me, you poor dimwitted creature?

Lucius: Maybe.

Voldemort: *Apparates* CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE! Also, SLAP!

yoneld: *yawn* Why am I reminded of my old classmates?

Voldemort: I are confuzzled. WHY DO YOU LIVE?

Lucius: BECAUSE I HAVE SOMETHING WORTH LIVING FOR.

Voldemort: O RLY?

Lucius: YAH RLY.

Voldemort: I are still confuzzled. In my confuzzled state, I forgot that you are not a Hufflepuff and therefore are not very good at FINDING things, so FIND Severus.

yoneld: Why don’t you leave the FINDING to me?

Voldemort: BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO! *eye twitch* Now I’m MAD! Bring Severus to me… or else.

Harry: OH MY GOD THIS IS SO HORRIFYING HOW WILL I EVER RECOVER FROM THIS.

Ron: OH MY GOD YOU SHOULD TOTALLY TELL ME WHAT YOU JUST SAW.

Hermione: NO HE SHOULDN’T! *eyebrow twitch* Just tell us where he is because I’ve got my Worried Face on.

Harry: I am still horrified, but I know where he is.

Ron: Where?

~Are the filmmakers just automatically assuming that everyone has played Games Five or Six? How are the non-Game Five or Six players supposed to know where he is until they’re actually there? Or is this some kind of commercial for Games Five and Six? WHAT KIND OF COMMERCIAL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE. IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, BUY THE GAME? I are confuzzled~

Giant Clock of When The Hell Did They Get A Giant Clock: I NEVER SAW PORTUGAL!

Random Window: NEITHER DID I!

yoneld: NEITHER DID I! But I did see Spain.

Entrance Hall ceiling and parts of the courtyard: WE MAY BE IN DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE CASTLE, BUT WE ARE AS DESTROYED AS THE REST OF YOU!

yoneld: *furiously sketches outer shots of the castle for SketchUp model*

SketchUp model: *turns out to be completely destroyed*

yoneld: *frown* That can’t be right…

Oliver: Hem, hem.

yoneld: BUT YOU LEFT HOGWARTS BEFORE UMBRIDGE CAME IN!

Oliver: I’M STILL IN THE MOVIES!

Death Eater #2,762-4: I WANT TO MAKE THINGS EXPLODE TOO!

Oliver: Yeah no.

Death Eater #2,762-4: I NEVER SAW THAILAND!

Soundtrack: COURTYARD APOCALYPSE!

Apocalypse: I prefer the term “Armageddon”.

Giant #2: HET IS ARMAGEDDON!

Giant #3: HET MAKEN VAN ARMAGEDDON IS LEUK!

Giant #4: Ik weet niet of deze dwergen eens, hoewel…

Bes and Mulch: Hey!

Giant #4: Sorry, verticaal uitgedaagt.

Bes: I’m not vertically challenged! I’m a dwarf!

Sliding Trio of THIS IS THE MOST AWESOMEST RIDE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER EVAH: Ignoring Armageddon for a while…

Armageddon: Hey!

Death Eater #9,284-4: I NEVER SAW SYDNEY!

Death Eater #5,926-8: YOU’LL PAY FOR THAT!

Harry: THAT WASN’T US!

Minor force field: Yeah no.

Death Eater #9,375-5: IT’S POTTER!

Doors: I hope you kill that guy, Potter, because that hurt.

Harry: *blocks Ron and Hermione* Since when am I so good with nonverbal spells?

Death Eater #9,726-9: I NEVER SAW HONOLULU!

Sneaky Trio of HA YOU MISSED: Hi, Armageddon!

Armageddon: Hi guys! I brought a giant!

HOLY CRAP Trio of HEY, A CONVENIENT FALLEN PILLAR: COOL! LET’S RUN FOR OUR LIVES AND HIDE BEHIND THE CONVENIENT FALLEN PILLAR! *RUN FOR THEIR LIVES AND HIDE BEHIND THE CONVENIENT FALLEN PILLAR*

Giant #4: Je bent niet leuk.

Whew Trio of WHOA GIANT SPIDER: WHOA GIANT SPIDER.

Acromantulas #925-87 to #2,847-05: Remember me?

Hermione: No, I wasn’t there actually -

Harry and Ron: OMG SHUT UP. YOU’RE GIVING AWAY OUR POSITION.

Greyback: OM NOM NOM.

Hermione’s eyebrows: Whatcha eatin’?

Greyback: *moves aside*

Lavender: Like, O. M. G. I, like, totally have a, like, fatal wound. Like, OMG, like, how will I ever, like, get it out of my, like, shirt? Blood is, like, so one-nanosecond-ago.

Hermione’s eyebrows: SHE IS MINE. YOU HEAR ME? I STILL OWE HER FOR MAKING OUT WITH RON IN FILM SIX!

Greyback: That’s nice. OM NOM NOM.

Lavender: I, LIKE, NEVER SAW, LIKE, MALAWI!

Hermione’s eyebrows: DIE!

Greyback: I HAVE’NT MANAGED TO GO TO THE AFRICAN SAVANNA!

yoneld: You’ll see why I’m doing this. Or at least, those who have watched Phineas and Ferb: Candace Disconnected will.

Greyback’s phone: African savanna located.

Greyback: *is teleported to the African savanna* Huh, that’s handy.

Rumbleroar: RUMBLEROAR!

Greyback: Shoot.

Rumbleroar: OM NOM NOM.

Greyback: I NEVER SAW HAWAII!

Book readers: STOP KILLING PEOPLE WHO WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO DIE!

yoneld: As long as they’re not killing anyone good who is supposed to die or George, I’m cool.

Book readers: Traitor.

Horrified Trio of NO NOT OUR FELLOW GRYFFINDOR: *step over said fellow Gryffindor’s dead body*

Lavender: People, like, stepping over you is so, like, one-septillionth-of-a-yoctosecond-ago.

yoneld: So septillionth is a word and yoctosecond isn’t? Does not compute, does not compute… Oh wait, WordPress doesn’t recognize either word.

Giant #4: YAY ZE ZIJN TERUG! *smashes cloister*

Fed Up Trio of WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH: Yeah no. And yoneld, kindly stop all-caps the second describing phrase.

yoneld: I DON’T WANNA.

Death Eater #3,096-2: I NEVER SAW CHINA!

Dementors #1-1 to #9,999-99: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai.

Harry: NO WE CAN’T CONJURE A PATRONUS WE HAVE JUST SEEN TWO CLASSMATES DIE.

Aberforth: What is with main characters or people that are related to them being Deus Ex Machina-s?

Patronus: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Dementors #1-01 to #9,999-99: THE LIGHT! IT BURNS! IT BURNS US! IT FREEZES!

Book readers: THAT DOES NOT LOOK REMOTELY LIKE A GOAT. THIS IS THE LOWEST POINT IN PAGE-SCREEN TRANSLATION. HOW MUCH WORSE CAN IT GET?

Percy Jackson and the Olympians Film One: *comes out*

Book readers: WE HAVE SPOKEN TOO SOON.

yoneld: Speaking of which, Film Two should be out in August.

yoneld’s friendly-friend: SAVE ME FROM THE HORRIBLE NON-CANONICITY!

yoneld: They say it’s going to be more like the book.

yoneld’s friendly-friend: BUT KRONOS WASN’T IN FILM ONE AND LUKE DIEDED.

yoneld: Maybe they’re going to have Kronos save Luke or something like that.

Umbridge-impersonating Trio of Hem, Hem: Hem, hem.

yoneld: SAVE ME FROM THE UMBRIDGE.

Ungrateful Trio of You Just Saved Our Lives, SO WHAT: *leave*

Game Five and Six players: Huh, I don’t remember this exterior walkway being here.

Stairs: *have miraculously not been destroyed*

Athletic Trio of Don’t They Ever Get Tired Of Running: *are still running down the stairs*

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOM!: I don’t get it. You’re so powerful that no wand can possibly fail you. In fact, you’re so powerful that I bet you could even turn Pluto back into a planet if you -

Voldemort: OKAY that’s enough.

iheartmwpp: Now THERE’s an interesting plot bunny!

Voldemort: You don’t need to build my ego, Severus; it’s already at its peak. But this Title of the Movie vexes me.

Snape: What? Couldn’t be! Ollivander said -

Voldemort: Ollivander also said that a different wand would kill him, but HE WAS WRONG!

Snape: I see. But it’s the MOST POWERFULEST WAND IN THE WORLD! How could it possibly fail you? This one will kill him. I’m sure. It answers only to you.

Voldemort: Does it? *creepy smile*

Harry: *hums a lullaby*

Snape: Sure! Let me show you. Title of the Movie?

Title of the Movie: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Snape: Now you try.

Harry: *stops humming*

Voldemort: Title of the Movie?

Title of the Movie: *does not respond*

Voldemort: Does it truly answer to me?

Snape: I don’t follow you.

Voldemort: You’re smart, man. You’re so smart, you managed to fool Dumbledore. But that works against you. The Title of the Movie belongs to the wizard who killed its last owner. You killed Dumbledore.

Snape: Oh no, I got the death sentence!

Voldemort: While you live, the Title of the Movie cannot truly be mine.

Soundtrack: He’s gonna die, isn’t he.

Voldemort: Yep.

Soundtrack: )-;

Voldemort: You were good, but not that good. You own the Title of the Movie. Therefore, you must die.

Concerned parents: So this is the main villain of a children’s series? He kills the man he thinks is his best servant just over a weapon?

yoneld: Pretty much, yeah. Nice guy, huh?

Concerned parents: Why are our kids here again?

yoneld: You drove them here. And they would’ve found a way to watch it anyways

Concerned parents: Touché.

Snape: Hem, hem.

yoneld: DON’T WASTE THESE LAST MOMENTS OF YOUR LIFE LIKE THAT, YOU IDIOT!

Snape: NO! PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!

Voldemort: Relax, I was kidding. Tea?

Snape: Yes, master! *drinks tea*

Voldemort: Lucius!

Lucius: *Apparates in*

Voldemort: You got some cookies?

Lucius: Yes, master!

Voldemort: GIMME COOKIES.

Lucius: *GIVES HIM COOKIES*

Voldemort: Isn’t it nice being threatened by your master while having tea?

Snape: Yes, master!

Voldemort: Can I have another cookie?

Lucius: Sorry, we’re out of them.

Snape: *is eating the last cookie*

Voldemort: Severus?

Snape: *notices Voldemort looking at him and quickly stuffs cookie into his mouth* Yes, master!

Voldemort: Don’t talk with your mouth full. Also, what is your mouth full of?

Snape: *quickly* Nothing!

Voldemort: *whistles*

Snape: This does not bode well.

Nagini: OM NOM NOM.

Harry: That’s gotta hurt.

Nagini: *thwacks Snape on the floor in a cartoonish way*

Voldemort: OKAY that’s enough.

Nagini: *spits Snape out*

Voldemort and Nagini: CONTINUIDAD! ESTA SERIE TIENE NIGUNA! *Apparate*

Book readers: Definitely not the Shrieking Shack.

Traumatized Trio of This Is Much More Horrifying Than Cannibalism: *walk in* Watching the guy we absolutely abhor die from blood loss is much more horrifying than seeing one classmate being BURNT ALIVE and another classmate/friendly-friend being cannibalized.

Snape: I look like a vampire.

Harry: No, don’t die, don’t die…

Snape: Take these tears. *solitary tear drops down face*

Harry: Get me a bucket and put some onions next to his eyes.

Hermione: *gets Harry a bucket and puts some onions next to Snape’s eyes*

Snape: OH GOD WHY. *bawls his eyes into the bucket*

Hermione: Okay, okay! *throws onions into water*

Snape: Take them to the Pensieve.

Harry: M’kay.

Snape: *whispering* Look at me.

Harry: *looks at him*

Snape: I got my dying wish with your mum’s eyes. *dies*

Hermione and movie watchers: Wait… he was good?

yoneld’s friendly-friend: OH GOD WHY – oh wait, JKR kind of made it obvious with that one in the book, too. Never mind.

iheartmwpp: No, she didn’t! I was completely fooled!

yoneld: He meant about the Snape/Lily thing.

Ron: I can’t hear you, I’m severely traumatized.

A/N: Giant translation to English:

Giant #2: THIS IS ARMAGEDDON!

Giant #3: MAKING ARMAGEDDON IS FUN!

Giant #4: I don't know about these dwarfs, though...

Giant #4: Sorry, vertically challenged.

Giant #4: You're no fun.

Giant #4: YAY THEY'RE BACK!

And now in Russian:

Giant #2: ETO ARMAGEDDON!

Giant #3: SOZDANIYE ARMAGEDDON ETO VESELO!

Giant #4: Ya ne znayu, ob etikh karlikov, khotya...

Giant #4: Izvinite, vertikal'no osparivayemyy.

Giant #4: Ty ne veselo.

Giant #4: URA ONI VERNULIS'!

Leave a comment or Rumbleroar will eat you.


	10. Teh OH GOD WHY IS EVERYONE DEAD

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film/book/game in the series, Artemis Fowl, Phineas and Ferb, A Very Potter Musical, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, or iheartmwpp.

~Sorry, no clever transition here. I just cut in the middle of a scene~

Weird light thingy: Am I supposed to be some kind of visual representation of Voicedemort? Because I specifically remember the Great Hall becoming all dark when he got there.

Voicedemort: Huh, huh, maybe that’s just my natural color, color, and the night is just darker, darker, than me. Me. Therefore, therefore, the night must die. Die.

Harry: Maybe I should collapse now…

Snape: Over my dead body.

Harry: M’kay. *collapses over Snape’s dead body* I AM IN EXTREME AGONY! OH GOD MAKE IT STOP.

Hermione: I HAVE A HEADACHE! LOUD NOISES ARE BAD FOR YOUR TEETH!

Ron: What?

Hermione: NO, SIRIUSLY! READ ARTEMIS FOWL: THE ETERNITY CODE!

Ron: NO HURT HERMY! *rushes off to kill Voicedemort*

Voicedemort: *singsong voice* It’s not going to wo-ork! Wo-ork! Wo-ork! Cookie! Wo-ork!

Ron: Your echo is broken.

Doofenshmirtz and Buford: Yeah, I’ve been there.

Harry: EVERYONE SHUT UP!

Doofenshmirtz and Buford: How dare you be on his side -

Harry: I’M TRYING TO LISTEN!

Doofenshmirtz and Buford: CURSE YOU, HARRY THE HORCRUX!

Voicedemort: Ahem. Ahem.

yoneld: What? I’m trying to put in at least one Umbridge-impersonation-less chapter!

Voicedemort: People of Hogwarts. Hogwarts. My Death Eaters have ruined the castle, castle, and pretty much everyone you love, love, is dead. Dead.

Female Death Eater #9,824-7: Expelliarmus!

George (I assume): NO NOT THE WAND.

yoneld (watching the movie for the first time): YAY HE’S ALIVE! HE’S JUST BEEN DISARMED!

Filmmakers: Yay, it worked! We successfully tricked the audience into hoping Fred is still alive, thereby crushing their hopes!

yoneld (watching the movie for the second/fifth/four hundred and ninety seventh time): OH GOD WHY.

Molly: Tell me about it.

Voicedemort: Continue to resist me, resist me, and you will all be killed, killed, one, one, by, by, one, one. But! But! There need not be war, war, between us! Us! You’ve all fought so valiantly, valiantly, and I’m willing to give you positions in my new world order, order, as my slaves. Slaves. Give up now, now, and be forgiven, forgiven. I command my Death Eaters to stand down. Down.

Death Eaters: You’re no fun.

Voicedemort: Now! Now! Harry Potter! Potter!

People in the courtyard: Uh… aren’t you done talking to us?

Annoyed Trio of This Noise Is Super Annoying: Yes. Yes, he is. He’s just trying to torture you with this.

Voicedemort: I speak directly to you. You.

Harry: Go on, I’m listening.

Voicedemort: If you do not wish for those closest to you to suffer, suffer, and die, die, on your behalf, behalf -

Ron: I appear to have realized that one of my family members has died.

Hermione: Either I did, too, or it’s just my usual worried face.

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY!

Voicedemort: You will come face me yourself. Yourself. I will be waiting for you, for you, in the Dark/Forbidden/whatever Forest for one hour. Hour. If, by the end of that hour, hour, you have not come to face me, face me -

yoneld: What’s with the inflection?

Voicedemort: *ignores yoneld* Have not turned yourself in, in, the battle recommences, recommences. This time, Potter, Potter, I shall enter the fray myself, myself, and I will FIND you. FIND you.

yoneld: Two things: One: More fancy talking. Two: Leave. The. FINDING. To. Me!

Voicedemort: And I will murder every last man, man -

Ron and Harry: GASP!

Voicedemort: Woman, woman -

Hermione and Ginny: GASP!

Voicedemort: And child, child -

Draco: GASP!

Voicedemort: Who has tried to conceal you from me. From me. Voicedemort out. Out.

Hogwarts: I am still burning.

Stairs: We’re not.

~We now return you to the courtyard~

Camera: What is with the transitions? In the first two films, there was Hedwig flying out, changing the weather, and flying back into wherever the trio is, and then in Film Three, Whompy changed the weather and there were creepy voiceovers of DOOOOOOOM!, and in Film Four, I just zoom out of wherever the last scene was and fly around the castle to wherever the next scenes is, Films Five-Seven have no transitions, so now I’m just plopped into the general vicinity of the next scene and they expect me to just FIND the trio on my own while the music does the actual transition?

Staring Trio of What The Devil Is Going On Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere : Apparently so.

Whompy: Why did you do it in the boathouse? WHOMPY WANT SCREENTIME!

Hermione: Where is everybody? This courtyard was full a few minutes ago!

Harry: They must have gotten in while we were going up the stairs.

Doors: WE ARE OPENING!

Dark stains on the floor which may or may not be blood: We are dark, on the floor, and may or may not be blood. And stains.

Horrified Trio of What Has Happened Here: *slowly go in*

Hermione’s eyebrows: WORRIED FACE!

Ron: OH GOD WHY.

Harry: Now it’s actually the time to be staring blankly.

Random students #79 and #81: IKR.

Random student #80: HEY I’m dead.

yoneld: I just paused the movie and made Slughorn look disgusted beyond belief.

Filch: How did I even get hurt? I’m a Squib, I can’t fight! CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Slughorn: Hai Harry!

Filch: OW! Watch it, man!

Harry: It’s all my fault.

Random Ravenclaw siblings: We appear to have both survived so far.

Sprout’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOM!: Oh, come on. You’ll be back on your feet in no time!

Trelawney: NO SHE’S DEAD!

Random professor: I’M NOT LAVENDER! But I was Trelawney’s bestest friendly-friend.

Padma: I’m sorry, Professor.

Ron: NO NOT FRED! NOOO! *breaks down into tears. There’s nothing wrong with tears, and that just shows that Ron is human. I’d be worried if he didn’t cry. Shedding a few tears about something like that doesn’t make you any less of a man*

George: RON! YOU’RE STILL ALIVE! GLOMP! *glomps*

Ron: Yes. Yes, I am.

Molly: Thank goodness.

Ron: Can I cry now?

Fred: Over my dead body.

Ron: M’kay. *cries now*

Soundtrack: OH GOD WHY IS EVERYONE DEAD.

yoneld: *sob* I know, right?

Book readers: It was bad enough in the book, and the film made it sadder!

Hermione: WORRIED FACE!

Remus and Tonks: *died holding hands*

Harry: *breaks down into tears* This is all my fault. OH GOD WHY.

McGonagall: There, there.

Harry: *sniff* Where, where? *leaves*

Leave a comment or your favorite character will die.


	11. Teh YAY BACKSTORY EXCEPT NOT REALLY

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film/book/game in the series, Phineas and Ferb, A Very Potter Musical, Rifftrax, the James Potter series, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Twilight, my baby sister, or iheartmwpp.

~CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!~

Harry: Yeah, I just Apparated. I FOUND the glitch long ago.

yoneld: *glare of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Harry: I DON’T CARE. Now, where were we? Oh, yeah. So, memories I got from Snape using onions…

Closet: I AM OPENING.

Audience: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Pensieve: Or doesn’t it?

Harry: *takes out Frisbee thing from Film Six out of stone bowl thingy*

Audience: Great! Why don’t you fix the rest of the continuity flaws now?

Filmmakers: WE DON’T WANNA.

Pensieve: Memories extracted by onions here.

Harry: Cool. *pour memories and puts his face in them*

Random black blob: WE’RE STILL DOING THE FILM SIX VERSIONS OF MEMORIES!

Lily and Petunia: WE ARE DEATH EATERS!

Harry: … Mum was a Death Eater?

Lily: No, the filmmakers are insisting on showing memories like that.

Grass: I AM SLOWLY FORMING.

Random floating flower: I AM OPENING. Also, I am shockingly not a lily.

Lily: My eyes are brown!

Book readers: Why is Ginny in the flashback?

Movie watchers: What?

Book readers: No, Siriusly, this fits Ginny’s book description perfectly!

Movie watchers: Don’t be stupid, it’s Lily -

Book readers: But her eyes are brown!

Movie watchers: So?

Book readers: Harry has his mother’s eyes, remember?

Movie watchers: Yeah, and Harry’s eyes are decidedly not brown and this doesn’t look like blue to us. CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Book readers: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF OUR EXISTENCE WE WANT A SANDWICH.

Petunia: How did you do that? That’s not natural! Nor is a whole bunch of people complaining about your eyes being brown! When I’m telling Mum, you’re so busted!

Snape: *glare of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!*

Petunia: Mum, Mum, Mum! *runs off to tell her mum*

People who have watched too many Phineas and Ferb episodes: Doo, doo, do-doo, doo, doo, do-doo, do-doo, doo…

Snape: I’m not dressed as oddly as in the book, but still pretty oddly. I mean, Siriusly? A suit and jeans?

Lily: I don’t care.

Snape: Here, catch. *blows leaf*

Lily: *smiles*

Audience: D’aww, this is so heartwarming and sad at the same time because they’re both gonna die. Also, the films showing backstory? OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF OUR EXISTENCE WE WANT A SANDWICH.

iheartmwpp: Go easy on wanting sandwiches, dude.

yoneld: I couldn’t help but smile at Lily and Snape’s interaction. It really is heartwarming.

Whompy: So that’s where I came from and why I let Snape through in Film Three!

~Now to a different tree by a river that is not Whompy but to an equally heartwarming scene~

Snape: She hasn’t gotten over the whole civil rights movement that started a few years ago in the States yet, she needs someone she can be freely prejudiced against.

Lily: That’s racist, Severus.

Snape: Totally. It’s not like I hate Muggleborns or am going to be involved in the murder of the greatest protector of Muggleborns ever or anything like that, and never mind that MLK was murdered!

Lily: I know, right? Why would MLK being murdered have any impact on the campaign for equality?

Snape: For the same reason Abe Lincoln being murdered had an impact on civil rights for African-Americans to begin with!

yoneld: I just noticed something. The Declaration of Independence was signed in 1776, promising equality and liberty for everyone. Now, as we know, “everyone” originally included only white men. The Thirteenth Amendment was adopted in 1865, abolishing slavery but not really granting African-Americans any real rights. The Civil Rights Act was passed in 1964, ending racial segregation in the States, and the first African-American President, Barack Obama, was re-inaugurated in 2013. That makes me wonder what’ll happen with African-Americans in a year that has two as the ones digit. Ah well, got nine years to think about it…

Snape: ANYWAYS! Let me please the One Woman I Have Ever Loved. Not to be confused with Bella Swan, the supposed One Woman Edward Cullen Has Ever Loved who is really the One Woman Edward Cullen Has Ever Stalked, Controlled, And Manipulated and supposed One Woman Jacob Black Has Ever Loved who is really the One Woman Jacob Black Has Ever Been Led On By. *concentrated face*

Eucalyptus leaves: *morph into birds and spell out Lily’s name*

Lily: *laughs*

~And now to Hogwarts. At least this part has actual transitions~

yoneld: They cut out the King’s Cross and the train memories. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE I WANT A SANDWICH.

iheartmwpp: I SAID GO EASY ON WANTING THE SANDWICHES WHY U NO LISTEN.

Sorty: GRYFFINDOR!

Lily: Yay!

McGonagall: Yay!

Random professor #1: Yeah, I’m the one who died earlier this film.

Random professor #2: Did I teach Divination before Trelawney?

Random professor #3: I may or may not be Dumbledore.

Snape: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Lily: Hey, random fellow Gryffindor! My name is Lily.

James: Like the flower.

Lily: Yep!

James: Hi. I’m James.

Lily: Nice to meet you. And shouldn’t your hair be black and shouldn’t you be wearing glasses?

James: What?

Lily: I’m Sirius.

Sirius: No, I am!

Snape: I hate that guy. I hate him.

~Now to another memory~

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: You’re just like your father.

Harry’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Why thank you at this point.

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Lazy-

Harry’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Oh yeah, studying how to become an Animagus for three years straight and managing it when he was in his fifth year, andstill passing his OWLs with flying colors by the sound of it, definitely qualifies as lazy. And I’m sure that creating a map requires no legwork or surveying of the area whatsoever, let alone making a map of a magic school where stuff shifts around all the time. Yeah, that must have taken practically no effort whatsoever.

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Weak-

Rifftrax: An exquisite tap dancer-

Harry’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Again with the Animagus thing. And didn’t Hagrid mention something about Voldemort -

James: *knocks over Snape’s books. Oh yeah, what an original prank. Suddenly I don’t like him that much. Jerk*

Sirius: Hee hee, I look like a girl. And I’m also a jerk.

yoneld: I generally like the Marauders (who doesn’t?) but I cannot stand bullies, especially after having gone through extreme bullying. I’m not saying the way Snape is treating Harry is justified, because it isn’t. If I ever become a teacher (and it won’t be for the salary) and I happen to teach those jerks’ kids, I’m not going to Snape them. But if I find them guilty of bullying, they’d wish I Snaped them. I’m not saying I’d jump to conclusions, because I wouldn’t. I’d want to believe their parents had changed. I always give people second chances, even when they don’t deserve them. I’d listen to both sides and make decisions accordingly. I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through – the constant bullying and the knowledge that adults can’t be trusted with your problem. I’d do as much as I could and I’d make sure I could do as much as possible. ANYWAYS! Moving on…

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: DO NOT SPEAK THE DARK LORD’S NAME!

Harry’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: And here I thought you were the bravest man I ever knew. But I could’ve sworn that Voldemort wanted to recruit both of my parents at one point, and he wouldn’t have done so if they were weak, would he?

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Wormtail.

Harry’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: There’s an exception to every rule.

yoneld: Tell me about it. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t normally accept kids with brains into the school I was in last year. Then again, the level of stupidity must be balanced… that’s probably why they were closed down this year, because the only other guy with brains there wasn’t enough to balance it.

Lily: That wasn’t very nice. *helps Snape pick up his books* Why don’t you put them in a bag?

Snape: I DON’T WANNA.

yoneld: Oh my God, that’s a smaller, black-haired version of me!

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!:Aaaaaand your father was also arrogant.

Harry’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: MY FATHER WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!

~And now for a whole bunch of memories, some of which don’t even belong to Snape. I blame the onions~

Lily and James: WE ARE SNOGGING PASSIONATELY.

Trelawney: Blood of pretty much everyone you love shall be spilt, and servant and master will be reunited once more…

Book readers: Got that wrong.

Voldemort: MY FACE IS SLOWLY REFORMING.

Weird light tunnel: Hi, Snape!

Snape: NO! I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!

Dumbledore: You’ll be too young to die at thirty-eight too, but you think Voldemort cares? Anyways, the prophecy didn’t say anything about a woman.

Snape: Born to those who have thrice defied him? Pretty sure one of them is a woman, unless whoever the prophecy is talking about is a clone of two males.

Dumbledore: No, it’s a regular human. But it’s a guy, and he’s supposed to born at the end of July -

Snape: Born as the seventh month dies – for all we know, that could refer to the Hebrew calendar, which would mean late Nissan, and that roughly corresponds to mid-April. Or it could refer to the Islamic calendar, which would mean Rajab, or in the case of 1980, mid-June. Or maybe it’s the Persian calendar, which would mean Mehr, or mid-October. Or maybe it’s the Indian Civil calendar, in which case it would be Asvina, which is also mid-October. Or maybe -

Dumbledore: OKAY that’s enough. It’s the western calendar.

Snape: In that case, that means the son of the ONLY WOMAN I HAVE EVER LOVED EXCEPT MAYBE MY MOM.

Dumbledore: It could also be Neville Longbottom.

Snape: That would explain his awesomeness, but no. Neville is a pureblood, which means the Dark Lord would be coming for Lily’s son. He’s gonna KILL THEM ALL!

Dumbledore: I seem to be slightly disturbed by this bit of information.

Audience: FINALLY SOME GOOD ACTING!

Snape: Hide her! Let me show that I care about her happiness too by suggesting that you hide them all!

Dumbledore: I don’t know… *starts walking away*

Snape: Plz? *puppy dog eyes*

Dumbledore: Well, if you give me something in exchange, thereby supporting the Manipulative!Dumbledore theories, I’ll think about it.

Snape: I’ll do anything to support these theories! The Dark Lord will be happy, he’s a big fan.

~So, still doing creepy voiceovers of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!? This place has gone to the dogs. Luckily, next year I’ll be transferred to Pigfarts~

Lily’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I love you so much. Also, how did Severus get here? Did he use an Invisibility Cloak? Or did he paint himself into our pictures? That’s probably what happened, if the James Potter series are to be taken into account.

Lightning: *is not accompanied by thunder*

Lily: *whispering* You are my sunshine/My only sunshine/You make me happy/When clouds are grey/I never told you/How much I love you/Please don’t take/My sunshine away.

Harry: Mama.

Lily: Yes, Mama loves you.

Harry: Dada.

Lily: Dada loves you too.

Harry: *points at Lily*

Lily: Yes, I’m Mama. But please be safe.

Harry: *shakes his head*

Lily: Okay, so be strong.

Harry: *blows a raspberry*

Lily: *laughs*

Harry: *smiles*

yoneld: Harry’s behavior is based on my baby sister, but like I said in the disclaimer, I don’t own either of them.

Voldemort’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Avada Kedavra!

Voldemort: Die!

Lily: I NEVER SAW FRANCE!

yoneld: Aww, that’s too bad. I’m in France right now. More specifically Toulouse. Wait, what part of France did you have in mind?

Peter: Please don’t kill me.

~Now to an actual memory. Again, why was this shown? Snape wasn’t there. Something must be wrong with the memory. Again, I blame the onions~

Evil telescope of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Haaaaaaaaaaaai.

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: YOU BROKE YOUR PROMISE!

Dumbledore: Yeah, well, they put their faith in the traitor Pettigrew, and you supported the Evil!Dumbledore theories, so I had to do something.

Snape: This guy is annoying.

Book readers: Gambon being in character? OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF OUR EXISTENCE WE WANT SOME WATERMELON.

yoneld: There you go, iheart. I no longer want sandwiches.

Dumbledore: But! I’m not evil in this film, since I’m actually in character for once. Her son’s still alive. Also, MORE FANCY TALKING!

Snape: You’re one hundred years old, of course you talk fancy.

Dumbledore: Touché.

Snape: Also, HE DOESN’T NEED PROTECTION! THE DARK LORD IS GONE! Man, you’re annoying.

Dumbledore: I left him on a doorstep in November, of course he needs protection, and you’re the only competent staff member.

Snape: Oy vey.

Dumbledore: Also, the Dark Lord is not dead.

Snape: Oy vey is mir.

Dumbledore: He can’t really hurt him now, but when he comes back, Harry Potter will be in mortal peril.

Snape: OY GEVALD!

Dumbledore: Oy gevald is right. Also, he has her eyes.

Snape: Oh, take?

Dumbledore: YAH RLY. Blue eyes. And please stop talking in Yiddish.

Snape: Ich vel nisht.

Dumbledore: Siriusly, stop.

Snape: ICH VEL NISHT!

Dumbledore: Stop it!

Snape: Oy, du bist kayn shpas.

Dumbledore: STOP IT! NOW! OR I’LL STOP BEING EVIL AND MANIPULATIVE!

Snape: Sheesh, calm down, man! Anyway, last time I checked, Lily’s eyes were brown.

Dumbledore: They are according to this version. CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE! But if you truly loved her -

Snape: I know, I know. I have to protect my arch-rival’s son because he’s also my crush’s son. But no one can know.

yoneld: I would protect him because it’s the right thing to do.

Potter house: I AM RUINED!

Book readers: Huh, that’s true to the books!

Snape: NO NOT MY LILY.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: That’s the spirit. But are you sure that I shouldn’t reveal that you’re good?

yoneld’s friendly-friend: Yeah, he’s sure. He’s supposed to be mysterious!

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I WANT YOUR WORD.

Sorty: GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR!

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: THAT’S NOT THE WORD I WANTED.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: But that wasn’t my word, that was Sorty’s!

Harry: Whew.

Ron and Hermione: WE ARE ADORAGABLE.

Fred and George: WE GOT POTTER! WE GOT POTTER!

yoneld: OH GOD WHY.

Percy: I am the embodiment of dignity.

Hagrid: YAY ‘E’S IN ME OL’ ‘OUSE!

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: You’re risking your life EVERY DAY, are you sure you don’t want me to tell anyone?

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: You really are as stupid as they say, aren’t you? Telling people would just put me under more risk!

Harry: Allow me to shake hands with everyone while not doing anything to convince Snape that I don’t enjoy my fame. *shakes hands with everyone while not doing anything to convince Snape that he doesn’t enjoy his fame*

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: He’s a failing failure made of fail.

Harry: And now I’ll look at the head table for no particular reason. *looks at the head table for no particular reason*

Voldemort: Atchoo!

Snape: Did your turban just sneeze?

Quirrell: No, that was just a fart. I farted. Excuse me…

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: His arrogance would give his father a run for his money. He seems to like the fact that he’s famous.

Harry’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Do you have no semblance of tact? You don’t just say bad things about a dead person in front of their orphaned son.

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I DON’T CARE. James Potter? Lazy. Arrogant.

Dumbledore: OW.

Ring: CURSE YOU, ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!

Harry: MY FATHER WAS TOTALLY AWESOME!

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Drink this.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: My hand isn’t even burned, only my middle, ring, and little fingers.

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Well, it is better than in the book, but you still only have a year. *tries to leave*

Dumbledore: *loud whisper* Snape! Come back here!

Snape: Promise, Albus Dumbledore, sir -

Dumbledore: I don’t promise, I solemnly swear that Draco is up to no good.

Draco’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Harmonia Nectere Passus.

Dumbledore: Something to do with harmonious nectarines.

yoneld: I don’t know about harmonious, but nectarines are delicious. *bites into a nectarine*

Draco: *puts an evil fruit of DOOOOOOOOOOOM! into the Black Vanishing Cabinet of Wait, Something Was Actually Black In Film Six And Not Just Looks That Way? Does Not Compute, Does Not Compute* BTW, Dumbledore, it’s an apple, not a nectarine.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I stand corrected. So yeah, Draco is supposed to kill me using his evil apple of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!.

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: No, that’s Snow White and the Seven Dwarves you’re thinking of.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Oh right, he’s just using it to test the Vanishing Cabinet. Also, how did I just see him?

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: You didn’t. You just thought you did because this memory has been extracted by onions. That’s what happens when you extract a memory by onions – you get a whole lot of random stuff that the person whose memory is shown never saw in his life.

Snape: I believe this wall needs your company.

Draco: Get your hands off me, you filthy half-blood!

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Well, we all know he’s a failing failure made of fail. So I presume He-Who-Was-Nominated-Sir-Not-Appearing-In-Film-Six really wants you to do it.

Snape: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU. Also, why aren’t you saying his name?

Dumbledore: Iunno. Also, you’re supposed to be staring blankly.

Snape: Oh, right, everyone stares blankly in the movies.

Dumbledore: You’re a secret agent, for the love of Merlin’s Magic Marker! Secret agents are always supposed to be staring blankly!

Snape: No they aren’t. They’re supposed to be showing whatever emotion they’d be expected to show in their role.

Dumbledore: Right, I knew that.

Snape: Pfft, yeah right.

yoneld: My laptop is insisting on putting m’s instead of commas.

Dumbledore: ANYWAYS! If I have to die, you have to do it.

Snape: What? No! I can’t kill a person!

Dumbledore: But that’s the only way!

Snape: No, Draco and/or He-Who-Could-Have-Just-Killed-You-If-All-It-Takes-Is-The-Killing-Curse-Which-Means-You-Are-Just-As-Mortal-As-Any-Other-Person-Except-Him could just kill you if all it takes is the Killing Curse, which means you are just as mortal as any other person except the latter.

Dumbledore: Let me finish. It’s the only way He-Who-I-Am-Suddenly-Refusing-To-Say-His-Name will trust you completely.

Snape: Don’t say a word against my Headmaster!

Harry: Got it.

Snape: I sound like I’m crying.

Soundtrack: FILM SIX!

Dumbledore: I NEVER SAW URUGUAY!

yoneld: Neither did I, but I have a friend whose grandmother lives there.

Snape: I despise myself and the onions involved with my memories.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: BUT! There’s something you’re going to have to tell Harry.

Snape: Tell him yourself.

Dumbledore: I don’t wanna. I can’t tell Harry anything in this version, remember?

Snape: Sigh, fine. What do I need to tell him?

Dumbledore: But you can only tell him when it’s time.

Snape: What time?

Dumbledore: One hour, seventeen minutes, and sixteen seconds into Film Eight, which is when I finally say Voldemort’s name. That’s when he’s most vulnerable.

Snape: Okay. What do I need to tell him?

Lightning: ONIONS!

Snape: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAI.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: When Voldemort basically started the series by killing his parents and trying to kill him, Lily shouldn’t have died. She cast herself -

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: What is she, a spell?

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: No, but what she did cast a spell. And that spell made Voldemort’s curse rebound.

Lily: I HAVE A HAND.

House: I AM DESTROYED!

Closet: OH GOD WHY.

Voldemort: Die!

Lily: I NEVER SAW FRANCE!

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: When that happened, the Hufflepuff part of his soul FOUND the only living thing left and stuck to it: Harry.

Owl: *is not Hedwig*

Harry: My scar is obviously painted. At least the older me’s scar looks like it’s an actual scar.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: So yeah, Harry can speak Spanish -

yoneld: Yo hablo español también, y estoy muy seguro que no hablo pársel.

Teddy bear: SAD FACE!

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: And look into Voldemort’s mind -

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: You’re crying.

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: I’m an old man. My voice trembles a lot.

Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?

Dumbledore: He’s providing shelter to a part of Voldemort’s Spanish-speaking soul.

yoneld: Como yo dije antes, hablar español no es muy impresionante.

Harry: Camera, please stop focusing on random sweaty parts of my body.

Voldemort: MY FACE IS SLOWLY REFORMING.

Snape: WHOA wait a second. That means -

Dumbledore: Yep.

Snape: – the same guy we’ve been trying to keep along the whole time -

Dumbledore: Yep.

Snape: – that guy -

Dumbledore: Yep.

Snape: – he’s gotta die?

Dumbledore: Yep. *pops P*

Snape: THE ONE WOMAN I HAVE ONLY EVER LOVED IS DEAD! WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE I WANT A NECTARINE.

yoneld: THIS PART IS SO SAD! *takes another bite out of his nectarine*

Theater (and yoneld’s room): *is flooded with tears*

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: So you’ve just kept him alive so he can die at the proper moment?

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: Calm down, man! I’m no happier about it than you are.

Harry: Well, that isn’t ominous or anything. It’s like these trailer thingies on TV where you take a bunch of moments and put them at the right times.

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: So you’ve been raising him like a pig for slaughter?

Dumbledore: You actually care about him?

Snape: THAT HURT MY FEELINGS! *summons a canon Patronus*

Book readers: The filmmakers did something right? OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF OUR EXISTENCE WE WANT A PLUM.

Dumbledore: THE ONE WOMAN YOU HAVE EVER LOVED!

Snape: NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Harry: THIS IS SO SAD!

Dumbledore’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: You still love her?

Snape: I always have and I always will. *tears up*

Patronus: I AM STILL CANON!

Harry: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?

Snape’s creepy voiceover of DOOOOOOOOOOOM!: So he’s gotta die?

Dumbledore: Sigh. Yes. Yes, he does.

Snape: Well isn’t that great.

Dumbledore: And Voldemort’s gotta do it.

Snape: Well, he wants to do it anyways, so that’s not a problem.

Dumbledore: IT’S ESSENTIAL!

Snape: He thinks so, too. *Apparates*

~Snape and Dumbledore might have just finished their conversation~

Daniel Radcliffe: MY ACTING IS GOOD, FOR ONCE!

Harry: I know, right? Also, this stuff doesn’t make you wet, does it?

VFX: No. No, it doesn’t. We just glitched out.

Harry: Oh, okay then. I’m just going to stare blankly at the wall for a while after putting the bucket back in my jacket pocket. Then I’ll see if I can kick it. *stares blankly at the wall for a while after putting the bucket back in his jacket pocket*

~Five hours later~

Harry: Oh, come on!

Leave a comment or your crush will marry your greatest enemy. And if you don’t have one, they’ll marry your bestest friendly-friend, which is even worse.


	12. Teh I KNEW TEACHERS ARE EVIL

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Phineas and Ferb, Artemis Fowl, or any other film/book/game in the series, or iheartmwpp.

~And now they just cut to Harry walking down the Grand Staircase. This movie is so seamless. Also, wasn’t the Headmaster’s office in the courtyard, according to the Game Six layout?~

Books: WE ARE FALLEN.

Harry: That, or Hermione used you to fight Death Eaters.

Books: Well, it certainly would go well with the flying books from the games.

Ron and Hermione: Don’t mind us, we’re just sitting at the bottom of the staircase.

Harry: I have a determined face.

Ron: Is something wrong with your thumb?

Hermione: No, it’s okay. But you seem to be down…

Ron: Of course, I just LOST A BROTHER. How would you feel if you lost a sibling?

Hermione: I’m an only child.

Ron: But Harry is practically your brother. How would you feel if you lost him?

Hermione: Extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, nectarine, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely -

Ron: Are you done yet?

Hermione: Nearly. Extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely, extremely bad.

Harry: Hem, hem.

yoneld: …

Hermione: *looks up… OMINOUSLY!*

Ron: Notice how the light is shining on us in a weird way. *looks up*

Hermione: *puts hands on hips* Where - have - you – been?

Harry: Well -

Hermione: Seat empty! No note! Snape’s memories gone!

Ron: She’s right, mate, we thought you went to the forest.

Harry: That’s what I’m doing now.

Ron: WHAT?

Harry: OW! I NEEDED THAT EARDRUM!

Ron: Are you mad?

Harry: Yes. Yes, I am. I’m mad at you for making me partially deaf. Not that it matters, ’cause I’m gonna die in a few minutes anyways except not really.

Ron: British film?

Harry: In that case, not any madder than the rest of you.

Ron: You can’t give yourself up!

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT THE STAIRCASE.

Hermione: Well, what do you know?

Harry: Ask Dumbledore. Ask Snape.

Hermione: Oh, those men.

Ron: Well, that just confirms my theory that teachers are evil.

yoneld: With all due respect, Ron, the Evil!Teachers theory is mine.

Ron: Well, I DON’T CARE.

Harry: So there’s a reason I can hear the Horcruxes.

Hermione: I KNEW IT! No one can speak Spanish, or any language for that matter, well without learning it before!

yoneld: Es verdadero, confiar en mi.

Harry: … or if they’re Parselmouths.

Hermione: Yeah, why are you a Parselmouth?

Harry: *voice cracks* I think I might have figured it out a while ago.

Snape: Yeah… I think I might have given you the memories about it.

Harry: And so have you.

Hermione: NO! NOT MY SURROGATE BABY BROTHER!

Harry: … I’m less than a year younger than you, and some people I know get very offended when you call them babies just because they’re younger.

Hermione: Can I come?

Harry: No.

Hermione: Plz? *puppy dog eyes*

Harry: No.

Ron: Can you say anything but no?

Harry: No. But you should kill the snake.

Hermione: GLOMP! *glomps*

Harry: So you’re the good actor and I’m the bad one now?

Hermione: Yeah, pretty much.

Ron: I can’t believe this. First the only competent teacher I have ever had, then his wife who I am on friendly terms with, then my brother, and now my bestest friendly-friend? And Emma’s acting is better than Dan’s? That’s it. I’m fed UP with this war.

Hermione: I know, right? Let’s stare sadly at Harry for a while. *stare sadly at Harry for a while*

~Five hours later~

Hermione: Oh, come on!

~Meanwhile, in the courtyard…~

Harry: I AM WALKING.

Grass: I’M ALIVE!

~And in the forest~

Harry: I AM STILL WALKING.

Camera: *focuses on his face*

Harry: I HAVE STOPPED WALKING. *looks behind him… OMINOUSLY!*

Trees: Hi.

Harry: Hi. *takes out Snitch*

Snitch: I open at the close.

Harry: Snitch!

Snitch: What?

Harry: I have received my death sentence.

Parody readers: Is this the similarity with Artemis Fowl?

yoneld: You mean, other than both main characters having black hair? Yeah.

Snitch: I still need one last thing… *waggles nonexistent eyebrows*

Harry and Snitch: WE ARE SNOGGING PASSIONATELY.

Snitch: I HAVE WEIRD MECHANICS.

Soundtrack: And theme music.

Resurrection Stone: Hi.

Harry: Take your time, man.

Audience: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

~One eternity later~

Ghosts of the audience: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Harry: Cool. *catches stone*

Ghosts of the audience: *abruptly wake up and clap hands*

Resurrection Stone: I AM THE RESURRECTION STONE.

Harry: Now, let me close my eyes while mouthing indistinct words. *Closes his eyes while mouthing indistinct words*

Audience: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

~Several eternities and a week later~

Extra-concentrated ghosts of the audience: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Harry: *opens eyes*

Extra-concentrated ghosts of the audience: *abruptly wake up and clap hands*

Book readers: These guys don’t look remotely the way Riddle did. How are you showing these things? Are they supposed to be grey and semi-transparent or solid and in color? PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT!

Marauders (minus Peter): Huh, we actually do look younger.

Lily: I’ve always looked this way.

Harry: Mum?

Lily: Harry! You’ve grown so much! Look at you, you’ve grown a mustache!

yoneld: He’s almost eighteen, of course he has a mustache! Hell, most fifteen-year-olds already have them! Even mine is starting to become visible, and I’m very fair-haired and fair-skinned! Siriusly, I have a Russian friend (we have a lot of Russians in Israel) who told me once that I look Russian. I’d probably blend in very well in Poland.

Harry: I know, right? *tries to grab her hand and fails*

Lily: I still feel it.

Harry: Cool.

Lily: And you’ve been so brave.

Harry: What are you all doing here?

Lily: We’ve always been here, you’ve just never seen us.

Harry: I don’t remember specifically asking you this question in the book, Sirius, but does dying hurt?

Sirius: Nah, it’s quicker and easier than falling asleep.

Harry: Are you Sirius?

Sirius: Yes. Yes, I am. My name is Sirius.

James: You’re nearly dead anyways, son. Don’t worry about it.

Harry: This is my fault. It’s my fault you all died.

Lily and James: No, that’s Trelawney’s fault. The only way we can blame you is for existing, but that’s out of the question.

Sirius: It’s Snivellus’ fault. He goaded me.

Remus: And coming to the battle was my choice.

Harry: But your son -

Movie watchers: What son?

Book readers: Sigh…

Remus: Others, and by that I mean you, will tell him what Dora and I died for. Don’t worry, he’ll understand.

Lily: Just like you did.

Harry: So you’ll stay with me?

James: Yes. Yes, we will.

Harry: But what about -

Sirius: You Siriusly think he’ll be able to see us? We’re here. *points*

Harry: On my jacket?

Sirius: No, in your heart.

Harry: Stay close to me.

Lily: Always.

Leave a comment or your bestest friendly-friend will get a death sentence. And if your country doesn’t have the death penalty, he/she will be deported to a country which does have the death penalty and get it there. Wow, I’m giving rather personal threats lately.


	13. Teh DOESN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE KING'S CROSS

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← Chapter 12: Teh I KNEW TEACHERS ARE EVILChapter 14: Teh VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN →  
Chapter 13: Teh THIS DOESN’T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE KING’S CROSS  
Posted on July 5, 2013 by yonataneldar  
A/N: Now I have to edit the chapter titles, too. WHAT IS THIS MAGIC. Anyways, even the actual King’s Cross scenes weren’t filmed in King’s Cross. That is King’s Cross Railway Station:

And that’s what they used in the film:

That’s St Pancras Railway Station, located just next to it. The interior is filmed in King’s Cross, but the exterior is at St Pancras because the Victorian Gothic style was deemed more impressive by the filmmakers. Oh, and they used platforms 4 and 5 instead of platforms 9 and 10.

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film/book/game in the series, Phineas and Ferb, Potter Puppet Pals, A Very Potter Musical, Twilight, or iheartmwpp.

~Having dropped the stone, Harry goes to… turn into Voldemort~

Marauders (minus Peter): Oh, great. This is our last appearance in the entire series and not only do the filmmakers strip it of every canon aspect, they also give Lily all the non-canon lines.

Lily: Well, Hermione is basically channeling me, so that means I also get all the focus.

Marauders (minus Peter): That is no excuse! That’s it, we are DONE with this franchise. *leave*

Sirius: Well that was fun. What should we do now?

James: I don’t know…

Remus: Well, I hear Snape is dead, too.

James: THAT’S IT! Sirius and Remus, I know what we’re gonna do today.

Sirius: What?

James: Let’s go bother Snape!

Snape: I am Snape, the potions master.

Marauders: Bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother bother.

Snape: *faints*

Voldemort: Hem, hem.

yoneld: Sigh, I’ve been going over the top with this, haven’t I.

Voldemort: The Title of the Movie is mine. Also, I am meditating over said Title of the Movie.

Death Eater #5,824-4: He’s not coming, My Lord.

Voldemort: It seems that way.

Bellatrix: I AM WALKING WITH YOU.

Voldemort: Well, Death Eaters, it looks like we’re going back to seize the castle. This is what Potter has chosen. Funny, I… I expected him to… I expected him to come. It seems I was mistaken.

Harry: You weren’t.

Voldemort: *slowly turns around*

Bellatrix: YAY NOW WE CAN KILL HIM AND THE DARK LORD WILL BE MINE FOREVER.

Hagrid: HARRY! WHA’ THE HELL D’YEH THINK YEH’RE DOIN’ HERE? YEH CAN’ JUS’ LET HIM KILL YEH! JUS’ THINK ABOU’ HOW EVERYONE WILL FEEL!

Death Eater #5,824-4: OMG SHUT UP.

Voldemort: Harry Potter! The Boy Who Siriusly Thought I Was Just Going To Leave Everyone Alone After I Killed Him Because He’s Stupid Like That!

Harry: I AM STARING BLANKLY AT YOU.

Voldemort: Crucio!

Harry: OH GOD WHY. MAKE IT STOP, YONELD.

yoneld: I can’t, I’m copying AVPM.

Voldemort: Crucio!

Harry: KILL. ME. NOW.

Voldemort: You’re not even going to fight back. Grr. You’re weak. Weak… Just like your parents. *evil laugh*

Harry: OMG JUST GET THIS OVER WITH.

Voldemort: They did not deserve to live in this world, in MY world! Prepare to join them. Prepare to die.

Nagini: Sólo hacerlo.

Hagrid: This does not bode well.

Harry: By closing my eyes, I can filter all the annoying sounds. Also, Ginny.

Voldemort: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Harry: *dies*

~And now the forest and everyone in it explode~

Fangirls: OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!

Harry: *appears in King’s Cross fully clothed, without a scar, and no longer needing glasses. In other words, it’s not Harry, it’s Daniel Radcliffe.*

Fangirls: Awww…

Filmmakers: PG-13, people!

Voldefetus: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaai.

Harry: Ew.

Dumbledore: Hey, Harry.

Harry: Dumbledore? Wha – ? What am I doing here? Where am I? I thought I was dead. I was shocked by Voldemort.

Dumbledore: Let’s say you’re somewhere between our world and the next.

Harry: What? Did I survive? What?

Dumbledore: Wouldn’t be the first time, Potter. Take a seat.

Harry: All right.

Dumbledore: Have you ever heard of a love – Sit down!

Harry: *sits down*

Dumbledore: Have you ever heard of a love shield?

Harry: No, but it sounds disturbing.

Dumbledore: A love shield is anything but disturbing. It’s when somebody loves you so much that if they were ever willing to give their life for you, that love literally becomes a shield which surrounds the body to protect you from any form of Dark Magic.

Harry: So is that what happened to me? I have a love shield?

Dumbledore: Harry, it’s time for you to learn all the things you should’ve known seven years ago, which really would’ve helped you along the way. The love shield protected you the first time. Er, Voldemort accidentally turned you into the seventh Horcrux, the one that not even he knew about.

Harry: That’s why I survived the first time. Also, how did I even become a Horcrux? Doesn’t the love shield protect from Dark Magic?

Dumbledore: He didn’t use a spell to make you a Horcrux.

Harry: Any form?

yoneld: I have a theory about that. My theory is that Voldemort didn’t actually use Dark Magic to make Harry a Horcrux, but that this automatically happens if someone is killed when they have something that keeps them alive, like a Horcrux, unicorn blood, or the Elixir of Life. The Elixir of Life is decidedly not Dark Magic, which means that in that case, the Horcrux created is not, in fact, Dark Magic. Does the intent matter? Because if it did, psychopaths like Voldemort shouldn’t be able to do it.

Harry: So how did Voldemort manage to torture me with the Cruciatus Curse and how did the fake Moody manage to use the Imperius Curse on me?

yoneld: I have a theory about that, too. The fake Moody thing – maybe the love shield only extends to Dark Magic performed by the person who caused the love shield to be made. The Voldemort thing – I think that since Voldemort had Harry’s blood, he could hurt Harry, but not kill him. Well, technically he could, but that would only make Harry stop being a Horcrux.

Dumbledore: Exactly. And when Voldemort tried killing you this time, he was actually unknowingly killing he piece of himself inside of you. And I knew the whole time.

Harry: You knew the whole time? You Blast-Ended Skrewt!

Dumbledore: Hey, hey, they don’t call me the greatest wizard who ever lived for nothing! Harry, it is time to get yourself back there and fight him as a mortal man. Except this time, he will be a mortal man too!

Harry: Dumbledore, I get what you’re saying. I know what I have to do.

Dumbledore: Good boy, good boy.

Harry: The only problem I see is Nagini being alive and Voldemort having the Title of the Movie.

Dumbledore: The awesome character made of awesome can take care of Nagini.

Harry: Fred is dead and George has no idea how to kill Nagini.

Dumbledore: I meant Neville.

Harry: Right, I knew that.

Dumbledore: Whatever. Let me share my deep insights on words now.

Audience: Gambon in character? OMG THE WORLD IS ENDING WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF MY EXISTENCE I WANT SOME PIZZA.

Dumbledore: Let me hint at my backstory by saying that I’m not so humble. So yeah, I’m great at talking. Words are the most inexhaustible source of magic. MORE FANCY TALKING!

Harry: You’re 116 if yoneld did the math right and he probably did, of course you talk fancy.

Dumbledore: ANYWAYS! So only people who deserve help will get it.

Harry: How can you deserve help?

Dumbledore: Hell if I know. Also, being dead is not that bad. In fact, it’s pretty cool. Being alive, though, and living without love… *shudders*

Harry: Okay. Can I ask you one more question?

Dumbledore: It appears that you already did, but yes. Yes, you can.

Harry: So, Mum’s Patronus was a doe, right?

Dumbledore: Yes. Yes, it was. She was meant for James.

Harry: I are confuzzled. If Mum was meant for James, how come she and Snape had the same Patronus? Isn’t that weird?

Dumbledore: No. No, it’s not.

Harry: I are still confuzzled.

yoneld: *sigh* If you love someone that much, your Patronus matches his or hers.

Harry: Then why is my Patronus not a horse? Or why isn’t Ginny’s Patronus a stag?

yoneld: Because JKR pulled that one out of nowhere.

Dumbledore: Well, I gotta run. You too, Harry.

Harry: But is this real, or am I imagining this?

Talking Zebra: You’re probably imagining this, Kevin.

Dumbledore: But why should that mean that’s not real?

Harry: You are giving me one massive brain freeze.

Dumbledore: So I’m off. And so are you.

Harry: Just before we go, um, so you’re clairvoyant now, right? You can see the past, the present, and the future all at the same time?

Dumbledore: Oh yeah.

Harry: Great! Can you tell me how this parody ends?

Dumbledore: Harry, there are some questions even I can’t answer.

Harry: Thanks, man.

Dumbledore: Hey, no problem. Get outta here! Third door on your left! Yeah.

Harry: *leaves*

Book readers: So are we going to get Dumbledore’s backstory? No? Well, you suck.

Dumbledore: *hits paper*

Rumbleroar: Are you ready to go, Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: Sure am, Rumbleroar!

Rumbleroar: *comes in* And you’re sure you don’t want to let Harry Potter know that you’re really still alive?

Dumbledore: Oh no, Pigfarts has been a closely guarded secret for thousands of years. *climbs on Rumbleroar* It would be a shame to let the cat out of the bag. No pun intended. *pats Rumbleroar*

Rumbleroar: I suppose you’re right. Do you have your space suit, Dumbledore?

Dumbledore: Oh! Thank you for reminding me! *gets down, leaves, comes back in a space suit, and climbs back on* Ready to go, Rumby?

Rumbleroar: I sure am. To Pigfarts! RUMBLEROAR!

~And the camera’s stuck again. Let’s freeze the picture~

Leave a comment or someone you loved dearly who is dead will turn out to actually be alive and run off to Pigfarts. See what I meant about the personal threats?


	14. Teh VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, A Very Potter Musical, Phineas and Ferb, or iheartmwpp.

~Finally, they fixed that camera~

Voldemort: OW IN THE HORCRUX.

Bellatrix: You okay, My Lord?

Voldemort: Uuhhhhhhh…

Bellatrix: Oh no, oh no, he’s dead… *tries to pick him up*

Voldemort: I DON’T NEED YOUR HELP.

Bellatrix: YAY HE’S ALIVE. HOPEFULLY THE SAME CANNOT BE SAID FOR POTTER.

Voldemort: Get OFF me, you creepy woman!

Narcissa: Let me voluntarily help defeat you.

Voldemort: Of course, of course… wait, what?

Narcissa: Nothing… *goes over to Harry*

Harry: Now my cover’s gonna be blown, isn’t it.

Narcissa: Don’t worry, I’ll keep your cover if you tell me what happened to my son. I’m a true Slytherin.

Harry: I never liked your type much.

Narcissa: Just answer my question!

Harry: Fine. Draco is alive. Happy?

Narcissa: Not particularly.

JKR: Of the two sisters, Narcissa and Bellatrix, Narcissa is a much more decent person.

Helen McCrory: It’s interesting that JK Rowling decided to do that. She decided this woman that would risk her own life to save her own son, understands loyalty and understands preservation of life.

JKR: I think one could argue that Draco, who is ultimately revealed not to be an evil character – Draco got his goodness from his mother. And ultimately I want – there’s an echo of what Lily did – quite a conscious echo of what Lily did right at the start of the story…

yoneld: Well, chronologically it’s at the start, but it’s only heard in Book Three and seen in Book Seven.

JKR: … at the very end of the story. At the start of the story, Lily dies to keep her son alive. At the end of the story, Harry lies -

yoneld: Does anyone else find it slightly amusing that he’s also lying on the ground, as in flat, and also lying about whether he’s alive or not?

JKR: – pretending to be dead on the ground, and it’s a mother who saves him again because she’s trying to get to her own son. So that was my, you know – That was closing a circle. He was saved there by Lily, and he’s saved there by Narcissa.

yoneld: Well, it was kind of clever, but I thought the reusing of Film One’s soundtrack in the Epilogue, as well as having Lily II act exactly like Ginny, is a better way to close the circle.

Hagrid: I AM STARIN’ BLANKLY AT YEH.

Narcissa: *gets up, slowly turns around, and pauses to let the soundtrack catch up*

Audience: OMG JUST GET ON WITH IT.

Narcissa: Fine. He’s dead.

Death Eaters: Woot woot!

Bellatrix: Voldy! Voldy! You’ve done it, My Lord. Potter is dead. No one shall ever question your powers again.

Voldemort: *grins* Yes. *grin fades, turns to stare blankly at Harry*

Bellatrix: Doesn’t this please you, My Lord?

Voldemort: *grins again* Yeah. Yeah, it’s great, it’s great. I just thought it would make me feel less empty inside. Well, Death Eaters, we go back to Hogwarts to tell them what has become of their… *chuckles* hero.

~Yet Another Abrupt Transition. Because all the uncool kids are doing it. Includes abruptness, rocks, and the soundtrack trying and failing to make it less abrupt~

Neville: I HAVE A FOOT.

yoneld: We all do.

ROCKS!: *exist*

WHEEL!: *also exists*

SORTY!: *also also exists*

Neville:*picks it up*

Sorty: I think the camera has been following me the whole time.

Random two students: Don’t mind us, we’re just walking.

Sorty: RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!

Neville: This does not bode well. *limps in time to the soundtrack*

Book readers: You should be crying.

Hagrid: I DON’ WANNA. I WANNA BE STARIN’ BLANKLY AT EVERYONE.

Harry: I’m still pretending to be dead.

Castle: I AM SMOKING.

yoneld and every science/health teacher or doctor ever: Smoking is bad for your health.

Giant #1: He, ik ben nog steeds in de film!

Voldemort: Not anymore!

Giant #1: IK HEB NOG NOOIT BELGIË!

Castle: I don’t feel so well… *barfs up everyone*

yoneld and every science/health teacher or doctor ever: *smirks* I told you so.

Nagini: YO EXISTO!

Voldemort: SO DO I!

Death Eaters: SO DO WE!

yoneld: Now the Parseltongue is Spanish, but back when I was doing it in Japanese, I remember FINDING it funny that a sentence like “I exist” takes five words in Japanese.

Ginny: Hagrid’s a Death Eater?

Hagrid: No. No, I’m not.

Ginny: Then who is he carrying? Neville? Any ideas?

Voldemort: I seem to have finally realized that my greatest enemy is dead. So yeah, HARRY POTTER IS DEAD!

Ginny: NOT MY BOYFRIEND!

Arthur: Ginny, no!

Voldemort: SHUT UP, YOU STUPID GIRL! EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR IS DEAD, SO WHY DO YOU KEEP FIGHTING?

Ron and Hermione: NOT OUR BESTEST FRIENDLY-FRIEND!

Voldemort: From now on, I, Lord Voldemort, am your ruler.

McGonagall: NOT MY FAVORITE STUDENT! I WILL NEVER RECOGNIZE YOU AS MY RULER!

Padma: NOT MY FELLOW GRYFFINDOR! Also, two things. One, I should be in Ravenclaw. Two, WHERE THE HECK IS PARVATI?

Younger Weasleys: NOT OUR SURROGATE LITTLE BROTHER!

Molly: NOT MY SURROGATE SON!

Percy: I look weird.

Fleur: ‘Ey, I’m still in ze movie! Also, NOT MY SURROGATE BRUZZER-IN-LAW!

Voldemort: Let me give a weird smile. *gives a weird smile* Now let me tell a joke: Harry Potter is dead! Come on, sheep, laugh!

Death Eaters: *laugh*

Bellatrix: O. M. G. You totally have the most awesomest sense of humor ever!

Voldemort: AWKWARD LAUGH! Also, I’m giving you the peaceful approach.

Everyone: Like that’s going to happen.

Voldemort: Fine, then I’ll say it like this: join me or die.

Sprout, Pomfrey, and Slughorn: OH GOD WHY.

Filch: Meow, prr, mrrow.

Mrs. Norris: Where am I and why am I not translating him?

yoneld: I’ll translate: Even I seem to be slightly upset.

Parody readers: You speak Cat?

yoneld: No. No, I don’t. I just magically gained an understanding of Cat while writing this part and now I no longer understand Cat.

Voldemort: So, looks like I’m going to have to kill you all.

Lucius: Contrary to popular fanfiction belief, I am actually trying to be decent by trying to save my son.

Hermione: Don’t. Even. Think. About it.

Lucius: Plz? *puppy dog eyes*

Draco: I don’t know…

Narcissa: Draco, I did not risk my life by lying to the Dark Lord about the one thing that probably matters most to him just so he’ll kill you.

Voldemort: She’s right – Wait, what?

Narcissa: Nothing.

Draco: Sigh, fine. *starts walking*

Random Hufflepuff #24: You disgust me.

Luna: He must have a bad infestation of Gensbets.

McGonagall: What are Gensbets?

Luna: They’re these creatures that cause you to make choices against your better judgement.

McGonagall: I’m just going to go with, “Poor boy, it must be hard on him”.

yoneld: I kind of liked Ron’s line in the video game.

Voldemort: Good for you, kid. HUGGLES! *huggles*

Draco: I’m lucky he can’t feel love.

Dean: WOW this is awesome teasing material. I wish I had a video camera.

Cho: I should have graduated last year.

Lucius: That must have been a hard decision, son. Good for you. *pats him on the back*

Narcissa: Let’s go, son.

Draco: Malfoys out. Peace!

Neville: Well…

Everyone ever: WHAT?

Hermione: Well this is just great.

Voldemort: Your arrival is most Sirius. And by Sirius, I mean completely riddikulus!

Death Eaters: THIS IS A COMEDY!

Voldemort: Anyway, who are you?

Neville: The most awesomest character in the history of ever.

Bellatrix: Yeah, right.

Voldemort: Well, you might come in handy eventually. You could make our enemies laugh themselves to death!

Neville: I’d like to say something.

Voldemort: I’m sure everyone would like to hear the most awesomest character in the history of ever.

Neville: Nobody who died now died in vain.

Seamus: No need to get killed, Neville.

Neville: But it’s true! I think this is best expressed through song.

Ron: He thinks that we’re finished/He thinks that we’re done/He thinks that it’s over/His battle is won, HA!/He thinks that we’re finished/But we aren’t through/Stop and think my friends/What would Harry do for you?

Hermione: Harry never gave up the fight/Harry stood up for what is right/Well, now it’s our turn…

Ron and Hermione: Our turn/Make a joyful sound/Voldemort is going down!/We must unite so we can fight/Turn the battle around/Time’s running out/It’s time to shout/Voldemort is going down.

Everyone: We won’t be pushed around anymore/We’ll be a force you cannot ignore/We’ll be an army for Dumbledore/For Dumbledore!/We must unite so we can fight/Turn the battle around/Time’s running out/It’s time to shout/Voldemort is going down.

Neville: *takes out sword* DIE!

Harry: I can drop my pretense now! *jumps out of Hagrid’s arms*

Voldemort: What the heck?

Harry: DIE, STUPID SNAKE! EVEN THOUGH I SHOULD KNOW FROM LAST FILM THAT THIS WON’T WORK! CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Nagini: *singsong* No va a funcionar!

Death Eaters: WE NEVER SAW CAMBODIA!

Voldemort: CURSE YOU, HARRY THE HORCRUX!

Courtyard: *explodes*

Death Eaters: *leave*

Bellatrix: Cowards! COWARDS!

Harry: Hey guys, I’m alive!

Everyone: We won’t be pushed around anymore/We’ll be a force you cannot ignore/We’ll be an army for Dumbledore/For Dumbledore!/We must unite so we can fight/Turn the battle around/Time’s running out/It’s time to shout/Voldemort is going down!

Leave a comment or you will be attacked by Gensbets.


	15. Teh NO WAY TO END A FILM

A/N: Hmm… let’s see if I got more views other than the 1,777 I had in July and from more countries (countries I haven’t gotten reviews from before in bold)… okay, I got 343 more views, and I got views from the States, the UK, India, Canada, Australia, Germany, Israel, Sweden, Romania, France, Russia, New Zealand, Estonia, Italy, Portugal, Ireland, Poland, Singapore, Austria, Greece, Brazil, Iceland, Malaysia, the Democratic Republic of the Congo, Belgium, China, the UAE, Bahrain, Taiwan, Indonesia, Latvia, Turkey, the Netherlands, Denmark, Finland, Monaco, Spain, Pakistan, the Czech Republic, Puerto Rico, Jamaica, Norway, Switzerland, Brunei, the Philippines, South Korea, Japan, Peru, Costa Rica, Ukraine, **New Caledonia, Bulgaria, Egypt, Argentina, El Salvador, Mongolia, Colombia, Uruguay, and Thailand**. With a total of 2,120 views. And 58 out of the world’s 195 countries. And it’s only been out for a year and a half. Well, I guess with FanFiction being an international site that could happen. I’m not entirely sure myself how I found half the fics I read. And it is kind of cool to have your stuff spread all over the planet.

So! In all the languages!

Thank you.  
Dhanyavada.  
Danke.  
Toda.  
Tack.  
Mulțumesc.  
Merci.  
Spasibo.  
Aitäh.  
Grazie.  
Obrigado.  
Go raibh maith agat.  
Dziękuję.  
Nanri.  
Sas efcharisto.  
Þakka þér.  
Terima kasih.  
Dank u.  
Xiexie.  
Shukran.  
Paldies.  
Teşekkür ederim.  
Tak.  
Kiitos.  
Gracias.  
Shukriya.  
Děkuju.  
Takk.  
Salamat sa inyo.  
Kamsahapnida.  
Arigato.  
Blagodarya.  
Ta bükhend bayarlalaa.  
Khawp khun.

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film/book/game in the series, Phineas and Ferb, or iheartmwpp.

~No clever transition here because there is none. I just split in the middle of the scene, for the love of Merlin’s giant mustache that would’ve given Vernon Dursley a run for his money!~

Lucius: I think I should go now.

Narcissa and Draco: Ya think? *leave*

Harry: ‘Sup, Voldy?

Soundtrack: VICTORY!

Voldemort: I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE.

Kingsley: Yeah no. Also, I lost my fez.

Harry: I’ll lure him into the castle, we have to kill the snake.

Hermione: Okay. Okay, but take this. *hands him basilisk fang*

Voldemort: DIE, LONGBOTTOM!

Neville: OW.

Random Student #93: Am I dead, or what?

Ginny: NEVILLE!

Narcissa and Draco: Well, we’re out, so if you wanna come, Lucius, you better do it now.

Lucius: I’d rather go with you than stay here and get killed. *leaves*

~I just love this film’s dynamic~

Harry: So yeah, the glitch still exists.

Random student #87: *breathes*

Harry: Back up, back up, back up…

Random student #88: *breathes*

Harry: *turns around*

Random student #89: *breathes*

Harry: DIE, VOLDEMORT! *DESTROYS wall*

Random students #90-#92: Hello, we’re dead.

Harry: Sure hope I didn’t kill them.

~What was the purpose of that?~

Voldemort: I FOUND the glitch, too.

yoneld: No, I did!

Voldemort: That’s right, you did. Thank you. *Avada Kedavras yoneld*

yoneld: *dies*

Voldemort: Now, where’s Potter.

Harry: I’m over there.

yoneld: Hiding behind walls is kind of stupid. Speaking from experience, if whoever it is that is chasing you rounds the corner, they’ll find you.

Harry: *takes out basilisk fang*

Voldemort: I AM WALKING.

Harry: DIE! *shoots blue spell that may or may not be Stupefy*

Voldemort: Protego! DIE, POTTER!

Harry: Since when does Protego block Avada Kedavra?

Voldemort: IKR. CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Harry: Well, Imma use this lack of continuity against you.

Voldemort: Yeah no. *Apparates behind him*

Harry: Even though I can no longer sense your presence, my sixth sense alerts me to your spell.

Book readers: But Nagini isn’t dead yet!

Harry: I DON’T CARE. *does connection thingy*

Voldemort: Wait, wasn’t that spell supposed to implode and then go off course?

Harry: Yes. Yes, it was. The filmmakers are still insisting on going as far as possible from the book.

Voldemort: DIE, POTTER!

Nagini: Hoooooooooooooooola.

Harry: Darn it, I need a distraction… *brings down the roof*

Voldemort: GLITCH!

Harry: DIE, SNAKE!

Voldemort: NOT MY SNAKE!

Harry: *jumps off staircase. Is he suicidal or what?*

Voldemort: BLACK SMOKE!

Harry: *lands on other staircase. That kid is lucky* Hello? Rolling to my DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! here!

Voldemort: I don’t care!

Harry: Imma kill that snake. *reaches towards basilisk fang*

Voldemort: OH NO YOU DON’T!

Basilisk fang: I NEVER SAW CHILE!

Harry: OH NO YOU DI’INT! *runs away*

Voldemort: IT’S ON! *chases him*

Nagini: Voy a seguirlos, voy a seguirlos – OW EN LA CABEZA.

Hermione: Psst! Over here!

Nagini: Pues, hola.

Soundtrack: She’s a snake charmer!

Hermione: No. No, I’m not. But I am a rock thrower! *throws another rock*

~Aaaaaaaand… cut~

Neville: Well that certainly hurt.

Death Eater #9,459-2: I AM ON FIYAH!

Neville: Ooooooooooooooh, shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiny…

Sword: *is shiny*

~Can’t really say that furthered the plot too much~

Harry: How did we get up here?

Voldemort: No idea. DIE!

Harry: HA! YOU MISSED!

Catwalk: I NEVER SAW LESOTHO!

Harry: OW IN THE BACK. Also, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Voldemort: Yeah no.

Harry: OW IN THE HAND.

Voldemort: That’s it?

Harry: OW IN THE OTHER HAND.

Voldemort: MORE!

Harry: OW IN THE NECK. Also, CAN’T BREATHE!

Voldemort: You think I care? Also, I hope that’s not my robe. *pulls the random fabric into his hands*

~Now to Ron and Hermione~

Hermione: Back up, back up, back up…

Ron: I’m here, love!

Hermione: There’s a door right behind me, why don’t I go through it?

Ron: Hee hee, I’m sneaky, like a ninja.

Nagini: Morir, Weasley!

Ron: I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH ANYMORE!

yoneld: No es muy difícil a aprender.

Nagini: OM NOM NOM.

Ron: HA! YOU MISS.

Basilisk fang: OW IN THE ROOT.

Ron: NOT MY BASILISK FANG!

~Now, for the part you’ve all been waiting for…~

Bellatrix: DIE, BLOOD TRAITOR!

Ginny: Yeah no.

Molly: NOT MY DAUGHTER!

Arthur: You just messed with the wrong woman.

Bellatrix: Siriusly? An old woman?

Molly: I’m not even that old, I’m only 48!

Bellarix: I’m still younger than you!

Molly: ONLY BY A COUPLE YEARS! DIE!

Bellatrix: Okay, she’s Sirius about killing me. Well, this should be easy.

Molly: Let me fool you for a bit.

Bellatrix: I AM COMPLETELY FOOLED!

Molly: And now Imma show my true colors. *shows her true colors*

Bellatrix: CONTINUITY! THIS SERIES HAS NONE!

Molly: Fine! Let me shoot a blue spell, that way she’ll stop thinking I’m trying to kill her!

Bellatrix: I NEVER SAW GREENLAND! *turns into a statue*

Molly: Now, die!

Bellatrix statue: *explodes*

Book readers: Well, this wasn’t the book version, but you can’t get everything in life.

Movie watchers: What was the book version?

Book readers: Molly shot her with the Killing Curse and she dropped dead.

Movie watchers: We’ll stick with the movie version, thanks.

~And according to some YouTube video, this deleted scene is supposed to fit here~

Nagini: Yo soy obviamente CGI.

Ron: I’m in ur castle, runnin’ for my life from ur CGI snake.

Hermione: THIS IS SUCH A FUN DATE!

Ron: Speaking of dates, I need to tell you something.

Hermione’s eyebrows: I’m convinced we’re going to survive, which is why you need to SHUT UP if it’s related to us being about to be killed by a giant CGI snake. It’ll just ruin the dramatic effect.

~And now to the showdown in the tower~

Voldemort: Come on! Why aren’t you letting me beat you up?

Harry: I thought you hate everything Muggle?

Voldemort: Yes. Yes, I do.

Harry: So why do you want to beat me up?

Voldemort: It’s the only thing that works.

Harry: Oh, okay then.

Voldemort: Yay! *beats him up and then attempts to strangle him* How did you do it?

Harry: Do what?

Voldemort: Survive! How?

Harry: I, unlike you, will make it to the end of the series, because I, unlike you, have something worth living for.

Voldemort: But you, unlike me, are a mortal man without Horcruxes, so DIE! *drops him and then kicks him*

Harry: Hey, you were right.

Voldemort: I’M ALWAYS RIGHT!

Harry: No, not always, just with this thing. You told Professor Snape the Title of the Movie was failing you. That’s because for you, the Title of the Movie is a failing failure made of fail.

Voldemort: I KILLED SNAPE! THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE BELONGED TO HIM SO NOW IT BELONGS TO ME! AND I KNOW HE OWNED THE TITLE OF THE MOVIE BECAUSE IT ANSWERED TO HIM!

Harry: But what if it was answering to someone else who was there who was calling it at the same time?

Voldemort: That can’t be right!

Harry: Come on, Tom. Let’s finish this the way we started it.

Voldemort: By me trying and failing to kill you?

Harry: No, but that works too. I meant, TOGETHER! *hugs*

Voldemort: GET OFF OF ME!

Harry: I’m just making sure you fall off too. *jumps off*

Voldemort: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Harry: THERE’S A GLITCH, DO SOMETHING!

Voldemort: IT DOESN’T WORK WITH SIDE-ALONG!

Harry: THEN DO YOUR BLACK SMOKE THINGY!

Voldemort: OKAY! *does black smoke thingy* Siriusly, why am I not dropping you. It’d make things so much easier.

Harry: I DON’T CARE, BUT IMMA RIP YOUR FACE OFF!

Voldemort: SO AM I!

Harry: WHEEEEE!

Voldemort: MY FACE IS SPLIT!

Harry and Voldemort: *crash into the courtyard and slowly crawl towards Draco’s wand and the Title of the Movie, respectively*

Audience: Okay, we get it… now get on with it!

Random student #93: I’m still dead.

Harry: *grabs Draco’s wand*

Voldemort: *grabs Title of the Movie* DIE!

Harry: TIMING!

Soundtrack: SHOWDOWN!

Book readers: But Nagini is still not dead and Neville still needs to be awesome!

Nagini: Sí, no estoy muerte.

Ron: DIE!

Nagini: *singsong* No va a funciona-ar! Ahora, MORIR!

Neville: NOT MY FRIENDLY-FRIENDS!

Nagini: NUNCA VI A JAPÓN!

Neville: Now who’s awesome?

Ron: YAY NOW HE CAN BE KILLED! Also, I must cry while hugging Hermione.

Voldemort: OW IN THE HORCRUX.

Neville: OH YEAH. *dance party*

Voldemort: Oh no, now I can be killed!

Harry: Looks like I’m just gonna have to kill you now!

Voldemort: NEVER! DIE, POTTER!

Harry: HAVE YOU EVER STOPPED ME BEFORE?

Weird light thingy in the middle of the collided spells: WHEE!

Title of the Movie: Why don’t you come in for some tea?

Weird light thingy in the middle of the collided spells: Yay! *takes a sip* That’s coffee, not tea!

Title of the Movie: M’kay. *makes tea*

Voldemort’s hand: I AM PURPLE.

Voldemort: This does not bode well.

Harry: Expelliarmus!

Voldemort: I am absentmindedly letting go of my wand.

Harry: I AM A SEEKER! *catches Title of the Movie*

Title of the Movie: Yay master!

Harry: I’m just gonna smile at the now dead Voldemort.

Voldepaper: CURSE YOU, HARRY THE HORCRUX!

Soundtrack: Let me reflect on the sadness of this film.

Book readers: There was not supposed to be a chase, this was all supposed to be in the Great Hall, everyone was supposed to be watching, Harry was supposed to tie up the loose ends, and Voldemort was supposed to just drop dead.

~Hang in there, guys, just a couple more scenes~

Luna: I need to go to the bathroom.

Neville: Yay! My summer fling is sitting next to me!

Newly created fangirls: CURSE YOU, LUNA THE LOVE INTEREST!

Weasleys: We are in shock.

Random student #94: Nah, just a few scratches.

Random student #95: Yeah, I’m fine.

Cho: What am I doing in a school uniform?

Harry: Let me smile at everyone. *smiles at everyone*

Seamus: *laughs*

Aberforth: No, really, I knew he’d be a great guy.

Slughorn: You know, it was really weird, I never lost my wand, ever.

Flitwick: How were you not killed?

Slughorn: I had to take off a bit of my robe to find it.

Flitwick: Uh, TMI?

Hagrid: Harry! Yeh did i’! Yeh finally bea’ ‘im!

Harry: IKR.

Hagrid: GLOMP! *glomps*

Harry: Great! Now I need to hug my other father figures. The only problem is that most of them are dead.

Arthur: Hello? I’m right here!

Harry: I said most of them.

Hagrid: Good luck with tha’. *leaves*

Filch: What a mess. How will I ever clean this? Let’s start by clearing this ginomongous pile of rubble. With a toothbrush. *starts by clearing this ginomongous pile of rubble. With a toothbrush*

Harry: But first I need to find my friendly-friends.

Ron and Hermione: We seem to be pretty happy, despite having nearly been killed by a giant snake a few minutes ago.

Harry: I wonder why. *knowing smile*

Hermione: Yeah, Ron is totally awesome.

~What is the point of transitions if they don’t exist?~

Hermione: *concerned* This doesn’t look very stable.

Harry: Who cares?

Ron: Wouldn’t it be so funny if we fell to our DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!s right now?

Harry: Totally. I have somehow gotten rid of my jacket. *stands on the broken railing and stares blankly at the Title of the Movie*

Concerned parents: Kids, don’t try this at home.

Hermione: Why didn’t it work for him? The Title of the Movie?

Harry: Well, he didn’t even know it was a Title of the Movie. And wouldn’t it be hilarious if I suddenly lost my balance?

Hermione: The other one. And no, it wouldn’t.

Harry: I had that Title of the Movie all along, I used it in the beginning of the movie, remember?

Hermione: The other one. The one in your hand.

Harry: It answered to someone else.

Ron and Hermione: We are confuzzled.

Harry: When he killed Snape, he thought the Title of the Movie would become his. But the twist here is that the Title of the Movie never belonged to Snape. Also, I seem to have gotten over my grudge towards Draco by calling him by his first name. So yeah, Draco disarmed Dumbledore in the Astronomy Tower. From then on, the Title of the Movie answered to him. Until just before the film began, when I disarmed Draco.

Ron: Man, you’re lucky. Because that means…

Harry: I KNOW WHAT IT MEANS!

Ron: I worry about you sometimes. So what should we do with it?

Hermione’s eyebrows: We? What are you talking about?

Ron: Well, it is the Title of the Movie…

Harry: I already shared one Title of the Movie with you guys.

Ron: But it never happened when it was a Title of the Movie. Last time you shared it with me was in Film Two and with Hermione in Film One. Well, now you have another Title of the Movie, so can you please share? We’ll all be invincible.

Harry: Hmm, let me think about – no.

Ron: You’re no fun.

Harry: DIE, TITLE OF THE MOVIE! *snaps Title of the Movie in two*

Pieces of the Title of the Movie: WE NEVER SAW PAPUA NEW GUINEA!

Harry: *swings his arm a little too hard and falls into the ravine*

Ron: I knew this would happen. *holds Hermione’s hand*

Harry: *Apparates onto the bridge and also holds Hermione’s hand*

Ron: She’s my girlfriend, you hear me? MINE!

Harry: And she’s practically my sister, so I get to hold her hand.

Hermione: Guys, stop fighting over me. Let’s just stare blankly at the green screen for a while. *stare blankly at the green screen for a while.

~Five years later~

Ginny: Harry? You still there?

Harry: Yeah, why?

Ginny: Well, if yoneld did the math right and he probably did, James is supposed to be born next year. Are you planning on getting married before that?

Harry: Yes. Yes, I do.

Ginny: Then let’s go! *leaves*

Harry: Hey, wait for me! *leaves*

Ron and Hermione: Well, we should probably leave too. *leave too*

Screen: *fades to black*

Movie watchers: Well, that was fun.

Book readers: Wait, there’s an epilogue!

Leave a comment or Molly will turn you into a statue. And then you’ll explode.


	16. Teh HAPPILY EVER AFTEr

Disclaimer: I do not own the film Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2/book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, or any other film/book/game in the series, the James Potter series, or iheartmwpp.

~19 years later. Yes, the world can be quiet for that long. You know, I almost thought JKR was going to do something with the next generation. Which she didn’t. And that is why I thank FanFiction and G. Norman Lippert~

Camera: *fades back in* And I somehow Apparated from the bridge to St. Pancras station. Any Londoner would recognize that this is not King’s Cross.

yoneld: Even I do, and I’ve never been in London, or the UK for that matter, except for a connection through Heathrow Airport.

Albus: I have brown hair.

Book readers: Sigh… does not look like Harry one bit.

Everyone who has watched Film One: Memories…

Lily: I am not, in fact, the same actor as Lily I.

James: And I’m not the same actor as James I! But I shouldn’t be fourteen.

OWL!: *exists*

FERRET!: *exists*

Audience: Wasn’t there a rule in Film One that students can only bring cats, owls, or toads?

yoneld: They must have changed it in this version. Actually, scratch that, Ginny had her Pygmy Puff in the book too. Still doesn’t explain Scabbers and Lee’s tarantula, though.

Random Muggles: Don’t mind us, we’re just getting off the train.

Lily: Thanks for the ride, big bro!

yoneld: For some reason, the “big brother” thing reminds me of Obama using the NSA to spy on everyone… couldn’t be the whole “Big Brother Is Watching You” thing, that would be riddikulus.

James: No problem, little sis. Now let me go through confidently. Siriusly, why am I doing this as if I’ve done it a million times before? I’m only a second year.

Wall: Heck if I know. Just get through with it!

James: I have a lot of “its”.

Wall: Fine. The trolley, the suitcases, and your pet owl.

Albus: Sigh, even the filmmakers are making references to my initials being a snake.

Harry: Don’t worry about it, son. *goes through with Albus*

Audience: Aww, some father-son bonding time! Wait… who the heck is that?

Barely recognizable Potters: *pass another family*

Audience: Okay, obviously Draco, who is that woman, and their son.

Draco: I have my hair all combed back again!

Scorpius: Yay actual similarity between father and son!

Random father: Look after each other!

Random boy: I have a pigeon.

Random girl: Cool.

Flying paper thingy: I will avenge my dead father! You know, the one that was burned by the toad in Film Five!

Lily: OMG A FLYING PAPER THINGY I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING SO INCREDIBLE IN MY LIFE WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

Ginny: Sheesh, girl, you’ve grown up around magic your whole life!

Lily: I DON’T CARE. Imma chase the flying paper thingy. *chases the flying paper thingy*

iheartmwpp: Aww, like father, like daughter!

Soundtrack: MORE FILM ONE MUSIC!

Random redhead girl: I am not Rose.

Rose: Over here!

Hermione: I AM ACTUALLY RECOGNIZABLE!

Ron: SO AM I!

Hugo: Don’t ask me how I got that name. Maybe Mum likes Victor Hugo or had a grandfather named Hugo? That’s the only thing I can think of. But I do look like Dad.

Rose: Yeah, well, I don’t look one bit like Mum.

Hermione: Got your bag?

Rose: Yep.

Hermione: Jumper?

Rose: You just zipped it up, so obviously I have it! Duh!

Hermione: MY ONLY DAUGHTER IS LEAVING ME FOR A YEAR. I MUST HUG HER. *hugs her*

Hugo: What am I, chopped liver?

Hermione: You’re not my daughter, you’re my son.

Ron: Hate to interrupt the mother-daughter bonding time, but our relatives are here.

Hermione: We’ve got a lot of those.

Ron: Oh, you know what I mean.

Harry and Ginny: WE ARE ONE HAPPY FAMILY!

Albus: I need to tie my shoelace.

Ginny: You talk to him.

Harry: Mothers are supposed to talk to their kids about their feelings!

Ginny: In this series, they’re just supposed to save their kids for plot-related purposes. The father does everything else.

Harry: Oh, okay then. *goes back to talk to Albus*

Ginny: Men…

Harry: Hey.

Albus: What if…

Harry: No “what if” questions.

Albus: But what if…

Harry: I said, no “what if” questions.

Albus: But what if I’m in Slytherin?

Harry: Well, your middle name is Severus. He was a Headmaster. He was a Slytherin. He was the bravest man I ever knew despite the fact that he wouldn’t say Voldemort’s name.

Albus: But what if I am?

Harry: Well, I envy the Slytherins.

Albus: I don’t know…

Harry: If it really matters that much to you, then you have a choice. The Sorting Hat does what you want it to do.

Albus: O RLY?

Harry: YAH RLY.

Hogwarts Express: Hem, hem.

yoneld: Sigh, I guess this was inevitable.

Random girl: Bye!

Conductor: GET UP, GET UP, WE’RE NOT WAITING FOR YOU!

Firework: WHEE!

Albus: Hey, watch out with the fireworks!

James: Apparently, I’m okay with my younger brother and cousin hanging out with my friends.

Chocolate frog: FREEDOM!

Rose: Hey, I’m over here!

Chocolate frog: Oh, hey, a person who already knows what’s on the card!

Hermione: She is so much like me.

Ron and Harry: Yay they’re finally going to Hogwarts!

Hugo: In two years it’ll be me.

Albus: I seem excited!

Rose: I am overwhelmed.

Ginny: Oh, they’ll be fine.

Harry: All is well, thank you very much.

Camera: Let me just fade out and let the soundtrack do the rest.

Soundtrack: THIS IS A TRULY WONDERFUL ENDING!

Credits: WE ARE CLASSIC CREDITS WITH CLASSIC MUSIC.

Audience: Too bad that’s over…

G. Norman Lippert: Are you sure?

Book readers: YAY MORE BOOKS.

Movie watchers: Well that’s nice, but what about us?

Book readers: Read the books! And the new ones!

K Studios: We are bringing the new series to life.

~And they all lived happily ever after~

Leave a comment or you will be Sorted into the one house you don’t want to be in.


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